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Watching television and movies has been a part of people’s lives as a leisure activity since their invention. The effect of watching television and movies >> 앞과 똑같이 쓰였네요 그냥 the trend can be positive and negative, depending on which content is being watched contained and how much people spend>> spend what ?. However, the more people enjoy watching it, the more people are exposed to the possibility of violence, the lack of physical activity and social activity. >> 문장이 어떻게 되는거죠? The 비교급 두 문장은 알겠는데 the lack of ~~ 는 어떻게 나왔나요? 또한 The 비교급은 엄연히 문법 파괴적인 문장입니다 아카데믹한 라이팅에선 쓰지 않으며 구어체에서 사용하는 문장입니다
To begin with, cruel and , >> 형용사가 나란히 올 땐 명사를 꾸며주면 같은 성격이면 콤마로 이어주거나 성격이 다른 형용사라면 그냥 나열하시는게 맞습니다 violent scenes in movies and television programs can lead a person to be aggressive. >> 끊어주세요 주장으로 충분하구요 It is because due to the fact that violence in films and television programs are often justified as justice. A positive portrayal of school violence will influence have an effect on a person to commit a potential crime. In addition, For example, there are also many movies associated with drugs, crimes, sexual assaults, and even murder, which can be crime resources for a copycat crime.>> 모방 범죄를 일으키는 것과 사람들이 폭력적인 것과는 범위 차이가 너무 크지 않은가 싶네요 주장을 범죄를 낳을 수 있다 라고 하는게 훨씬 나을 듯 싶습니다 As such, these negative effects have an association with people’s violence.
Physically, watching television and movies can have a harmful influence on one’s people's health. According to World Health Organization, most people who have obesity spend on watching television and movies. Furthermore, as the rate of physical activity declines, the possibility of various diseases can increase and it affects life satisfaction negatively. It is no doubt that the amount of time watching television and movies is necessarily proportional to physical health. >> 설문조사 같은 걸로 예시를 드는건 좋지 않습니다 또한 예시이기에 주장 다음 설명 다음 나와야 하는 순서입니다 또한 Furthermore 는 또 다른 주장을 나타내는 부사이기에 글이 혼란스러워져 전체 다 지워드렸습니다
Lastly, from a social perspective, an increase of the amount of time staying at home can make people isolated from society. it is reported that If people who enjoy watching movies and television programs, they will have an antisocial character of antisocialism and have poor interpersonal relationships skills. As a result, they could be far way from society and eventually lose their social positions. Humans are social animals that require close relationships with other people. If they do not participate in social activities, additional problems can be occurred.
In conclusion, watching television and movies affects negatively people’s lives negatively. It does not >> cannot은 한 단어입니다 only increase the possibility of violence and decline physical and , social activities, but also has harmful effects.
각 문단 첫 줄 시작은 한 칸 띄어주세요 (들여쓰기) 가운데 지우라는 부분 다 지워도 약 260 정도로 충분합니다 그만큼 글을 많이 쓰셨습니다 줄여주세요 노란 하이라이트 부분들은 뭔가요? 또한 굳이 말하지 않아도 될 필요없는 내용들이 많습니다 그런 요소들이 주장이나 전개, 논리를 방해합니다 딱 할 말만 써주셔야 합니다
본론은 주장 - 주장에 대한 설명 - 예시 형태로 진행하는게 가장 좋습니다 문법은 대체로 쉽게 작성되고 비슷한 형태가 많습니다 단어는 watching television and movies만 계속 쓰이는 것만 봐도 어휘력의 한계가 드러났구요
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |