▶ Your Answer :
Many people choose their jobs based on the size amount of the salary offered. Personally, I disagree with the idea that I argue money is definitely not the key consideration when deciding on a career, because I believe that other factors are equally important.
On the one hand To begin with, I agree that money is necessary in order for people to meet their basic needs. For example, we all need money to pay for housing, food, bills, health care, and education. Most people consider it as a priority to at least earn a salary that allows them to cover these needs and to have a reasonable quality of life. If people chose their jobs based on enjoyment or other non-financial factors, they might find it difficult to support themselves. >> 동의하지 않았으면 동의하지 않은 이유 하나만 밀고 나가세요 그리고 예시 하나만 들어주시구요 예시와 주장 사이엔 주장에 대한 설명이 있어야 합니다
Artists and musicians, for instance, are known for choosing a career path that they love, but that always does not always provide them with enough money to live comfortably and raise their family. Nevertheless, I believe that other considerations are just as important as what we earn in our jobs. Firstly, personal relationships and the atmosphere in a workplace are extremely important when choosing a job. Having a good manager or friendly colleagues, for example, can make a huge difference to workers’ levels of happiness and general quality of life. >> 첫 줄부터 for instance 예시를 쓰셨네요 그리고 마지막 줄에도 for example 을 썼구요 절대 좋지 않습니다 어떤 구조인지 모르겠습니다
Secondly, many people’s feelings of job satisfaction come from their professional achievements,>> 한 문장 끝입니다 마침표 찍어주세요 the skills they learn,>> 콤마 빼주세요 and the position they have reached, rather than the money they earn>> ?? 여러 요소에서 직업 만족을 느낀다 - 그 요소에 대한 말들 - 예시가 좋습니다. Finally, some people choose a career because they want to help others and contribute to something positive to society.
In conclusion, although salaries certainly affect certainly people’s choices of professions, I do not believe that money outweighs all other motivators.
각 문단 첫 문장의 맨 앞은 한 칸 들여써야 합니다 논리가 좋지 않습니다 본론 아예 모두 고쳐야 합니다
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.0 예상합니다 |