▶ Your Answer :
There is a debate about whether or not using the Internet has negative effects on people's communication. Although some people say that we need to stop the usage of Internet for smooth conversation between people, I confidently believe that we should not overlook the important role of networking to share our lives with friends or families.
Nevertheless, when we abuse the using of the Internet, it can damage to the maintenance of relationship with our surrounding people in the contrary. In reality, people who are addicted to contact to the Internet world ??? have been severe social problems. This is because they focus more on time for themselves for surfing the Internet instead of they spending their time with family or friends. Also, Internet addition can make people regard virtual world more valuable than reality. This phenomenon is more likely to accelerate conversation breakdown with peripersonal <(형용사 이기 떄문에 뒤에 명사가 나와야합니다.).
However, it is hard to say that access to Internet websites is necessarily harmful to our community society.<Need better coherence> In the twenty-first century, people lead busy lives to make a living and most people have no time to meet friends or chat in a relaxed manner relaxedly with family members. So, one of the alternative methods is sharing our daily lives about what they had been up to via video chatting or social networking services like Facebook or emails. Furthermore, the Internet contributes to be free from restraint of time and space when we contact others with our surrounding people. As one of the traits of the Internet system, it is possible to interact with relatives or friends who live in remote areas such as other countries or an isolated island whenever and wherever we want. <(so what? 이 문단이 말해주고자 하는 내용이 무엇인가요?)
For the reasons mentioned above, I totally disagree with the statement that the use of networking system negatively affects our conversations because the Internet helps us overcome the constrains of time and space for sharing our stories and thinking to become more friendly.
Score: 6.5 Comment: Clarity 에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 다른 essay format/composition/ transition/ cohesion/ 을 쓰시는 연습을 추천합니다. 다른 format를 쓰시는 연습을 하시면 글을 더 자유롭게 쓰는데에 도움이 됩니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 틀리시고 계십니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |