▶ Your Answer :
Technological, medical, and educational fields have been in line with human progress. Accordingly, it is believed that those working in these industries should receive higher wages than others, while we should not forget the fact of that sports and entertainment also contribute to our social progress. <(질문을 답해주는 thesis statement가 필요합니다)
In the first place, with the advancement of technology, medicine and education, most people can live to maintain their affluent lives. In the past, we could not spend our time for a better life, because most people had to work every day in order to persistently survive persistently only their own lives. However, in contrast to the age, now, highly-advanced breakthroughs have paved the way for improving the quality of people’s lives by replacing malfunctioning genes with healthy ones, eliminating physical obstacles when working, and raising a well-rounded person. This has more contribution in society, thus providing higher wages to professional workers such as doctors, nurses and teachers seems far more valuable. <(마지막 문장을 내용을 topic sentence으로 해주시고 그것에 대해 support/reasoning을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 마지막 문장을 읽기전에는 내용이 다른 주제를 이야기해주시는것 같습니다)
However, we should not overlook the benefit that sports and entertainment contribute to the society. The world of entertainment or sports is a multi-million dollar industry. By provoking a feeling of consumption of the public through movies, advertisement and TVs, most of the people would purchase a wide range of products included in the contents of famous stars, such as pamphlets, magazines, DVDs, and the like. There is that constant demand, thus the impression made in the higher rate of earnings. So, this type of industries can stimulate change in people’s expense habits and consequently lead to economic progress, which will make people spend their daily lives more actively or affluently.
In conclusion, it is difficult to decide the criterion of profit distribution regarding to societal perspective. This is because the individual fields contribute to the local progress in different ways to each other. Thus, all the workers should be paid fairly and equally based on their contribution contributiveness.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |