▶ Your Answer :
It
is true that many people prefer to prepare food more easily due to the fact
that nowadays, people are busier than in the past. As a result, it has affected
and changed improved the way people live. I will discuss what things has been
changed as people follow this trend. <(이러한 것을 이야기 할것이다 보다는 이러한 change/improvement가 있다 라고 해주시면 더 좋습니다. )
Nowadays, many people consume fast food and
ready-to-cook food alternatively in order to save their own time but it causes occurs
people’s health problem. Many people struggle with obesity and various diseases,
which are caused by junk foods such as hamburgers, pizza and etc.<(formal essay 에는 etc를 안쓰시는게 좋습니다. 또한 문단이 off no value이며 incomplete합니다)
However, it provides an opportunity for to people can to have a meal inexpensively as well as save time. A fast food or
ready-to-cook food typically is typically much cheaper than dining in at a restaurant or
cooking at home. Consequently, people can deal with their food expense and time
more effectively. <(이 문단을 위 문단과 하나의 문단으로 합쳐주시면 될 것 같습니다)
Moreover, preparing food with a ready-to-cook
product could be helpful to people to be a professional chef. <내용 연결이 안됩니다> A Technology has
developed significantly and this has affected to improve the food industry as well.
Even people who are not skilled at cooking can use frozen food or take away food for their meals and special occasions. are not good at cooking; they can use frozen food or take away food
for their meal and special occasion.<(이 문단도 incomplete합니다. Reasoning이 조금 insufficient하며 elaboration이 더 필요합니다)
In conclusion, preparing food has become without
doubt easier than before. It brought some advantages such as shorter reduce cooking time, and people can cook more professionally with less expenses even if it has affected
to people’s health unwholesomely with a variety of fast foods. However, the
concerned of the fast food also has decreased gradually among people because
people tend to cook by themselves, as many people believe that it is more
reliable than commercial ones. <(이 문장은 body에 서술된 내용이 아닙니다. Concluding을 해주시는 것이기 때문에 새로운 내용을 주시는 것은 좋지 않습니다.)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용은 좋은데 문단이 incomplete하거나 organization이 잘 안되어있습니다. 내용 연결성도 떨어지는 부분들이 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 주로 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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