▶ Your Answer :
One of the most controversial issues today relates to crime, and some people argue that people who commit crimes should receive punishment by going to prison to go a prison. <내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다> In this essay, I'm<(IELTS는 formal essay이기 때문에 contraction을 안쓰지는게 좋습니다.) going to examine this question<(question이 아니라 글쓴이는 statement를 주셨습니다) from both point of view on the matter. <(Discuss both views 질문이 아닙니다. 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 의견 자체를 thesis statement으로 써주셔야합니다.)
On one side of the argument, there are people who argue that the benefits of <(benefits of what??) considerably outweigh its disadvantages. The main reason for believing this is that jail sentences can be a warning for potential criminals. If people have a fear about punishment which they people would receive have when they comit a crime, the rate of crimes can be prevented by jail which is a heavy punishment. <(범죄율을 prevent할수는 없습니다 또한 이것을 jail가 prevent한다는 것도 어색하게 들립니다) It is also possible to say that citizens can be protected from crimes by locking up criminals in prison. It is easy for convicts animals to commit a crime a second or a third time make a second or third sin again. <(왜 animals라는 단어를 썼는지 잘 모르겠습니다)
On the other hand, it is also possible to make the opposing case. It is often argued that doing alternative social work such as voluntary work can replace <(replace what?) instead of their jail terms. People often have this opinion since criminals can adapt to society by working when they are finished their punishment. This is a more constructive method more than just spending time in jail. A second point is that jails in the cities cannot afford skyrocketing all of the crime rates, since making a prison costs a large budget spend a lot of money and occupy many parts of land which have limits.
As we have seen, there are no easy answer to this question. On balance, however, I tend to believe that it is a more effective method to serve for other people or learn constructive work skills during their jail term more than just going to prison.<(이 내용을 thesis statement로 써주시고 이 내용을 reasoning/support해주셨어야 합니다)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문이 which opinion do YOU agree and why 입니다. 글쓴이의 의견을 묻고 있기 때문에 에세이 전체 내용은 글쓴이의 주장을 서술해주셨어야했습니다. 그렇기 때문에 people who argue/ people have this opinion 같은 표현을 피해주셔야합니다. 내용은 fair하나 format/construction이 잘 못 되었습니다. 문법상 incomplete clauses가 있습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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