▶ Your Answer : In recent years, the government considers that welfare is very important for citizens such as communication, transportation, and health care. According to the topic, governments have a plan to construct railways more than roads. In my opinion, I agree that government should spend money on railways. There are some reasons.
First of all, the natural environment problem is very important regarding the about air pollution by car emission. The pollution affects various conditions such as human health care and natural ecosystem. <Need coherence> However, trains emits a little less pollution rather than cars. <(so what? elaborate) This reason is significant because humans will live be lived with the natural environment. Also, humanity should feel responsible to conserve a natural environment. <(railways에 대해 조금 더 focus를 해주시고 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.
Secondly, railways are is more effective than roads because railways can transfer many people and things such as people, raw material, food, Electronics, and so on etc.<(people are not things) On the contrary, roads have limitations what congestion situations are always happened in the city. <(문법이 틀린 문장이고 문법이 틀려서 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다) The traffic congestion problem is a general factor in the world. Although governments spend money on roads, this problem could be not totally solved. <Need better coherence> So, railway transportation method is faster and cheaper than roads.
Thirdly, the current road system has some problems regarding traffic congestion. If governments could modify the traffic institution, the road system will be is better than in the past. In contrast, the railway system is very simple unlike rather than roads because a train needs only one railway. So, a railway system does not have has not a traffic congestion problems and just need extra railways and trains. <(문단의 unity가 떨어지며 traffic congestion 이야기에 대해서는 위 문단에 그 내용을 함께 서술해주셔도 될 것 같습니다)
Overall, railway transportation method has a lot of benefits and is strongly recommend rather than roads.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용은 fair하나 문법이나 스펠링에 틀리시는 곳이 많습니다. 전체적으로 coherence에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 네 번째 문단의 경우 처음 내용을 글쓴이의 주장과는 상관이 없어 보입니다. Spelling mistakes는 proofreading을 해주셔서 고쳐주시기를 바랍니다. 문법상 문장구조/표현/article 활용/시제/비교급 표현 collocation/subject verb agreement/에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |