▶ Your Answer :
There is a widespread belief that the modern sports are becoming popular and more competitive, affecting diverse human lives including cultures, nationalities, and ages. As a result, there is an ongoing heated debate over the roles of competitive sports, of whether they bring positive impacts or negative ones. In this essay, I will pose this controversial phenomenon with my stance and some applicable supports.
To begin with, myself included, there are some facts that people think of the sports as a reunion source. As the first, regarding many competitive events, the sports have a power of people to be together. To elaborate, Olympics and World Cups are such a big events in the global world, by being attending by almost all of countries. Even though certain countries are still in a tense/conflicting fight situation due to religions, cultures, histories, and ideal values, sportsmen compete with others under the same rules which are equal to everyone. Moreover, sports definitely give definitely entertainments to whoever from the young to the old. Hence, as a relax factor on a regular basis, people enjoy competitive sports with their own ways such as only spectators, and as players.
Be that as it may, proponents who contend competitive sports bring about some problems would base grounding on several reasons. In the global sports games, it sometimes have happens unfair judgements, because referees are on one-side or other competitor's countries' standards are weak and poor. In these occasions, these nations insist the unfairness and the unreason<(?) of competitive sports <(insist that these do what?) . In addition, not only in the global issue but also in the local areas, some excited spectators during enthusiastic sports inspection fight with abusive languages when their local team lose or even they fight with no reason also.
To recapitulate, taking into account both sets of arguments, I am of the belief that although the minority of people conflicts from the sports, the global worlds know the significance of competitive sports to reunite reunion the whole world. Therefore, we should develop these this sports and some conflicts of sports should be controlled toward our peaceful trends.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 다만 문법에 틀리시는 곳이 꽤 있으십니다. 글쓴이의 주장이 introduction에서 부터 clear하면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어 형태/plurality/number agreement/spelling/collocation에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 에세이를 쓰신 후 꼭 proofreading을 1~2번 해주셔서 문법을 최대한 고치시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 전체적으로 글정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |