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There is a disagreement regarding the issue of whether it is best to accept bad situations such as an unsatisfactoy job and shortage of money or not. Some people argue that it is better to accept such these situations, but I personally believe that we should try and improve such situations because this could lead to positive consequences. Firstly, if people try to find the way to improve the how improves a situation of a shortage of money, people could feel motivated. (This is because people will continuely try to find ways that earn money to solve shortage.) (초록 괄호 안의 부분은 밑에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) For example, in the case of Bill Gates, he made a computer system called Microsoft to earn for earning money when he was in poverty. As a result, now he became one of the richest people in the world since Microsoft that he developed was has been greatly successful. This shows that trying to find ways how improve bad situations leads to the positive consequences. On the other hand, in some situations, it is better to accept a bad situation such as an unsatisfactory job. This is because people can’t cannot (줄임말 사용을 지양해주세요~) focus on tasks of a company, if they always try to improve satisfactory of satisfaction regarding a job. Although there is a good aspect of the job, people would only keep the negative perspective of their job (job이 계속해서 쓰이고 있어서 글이 단조로워지고 있으므로, 2~3번은 대체해주세요!). This would lead to the situation that people can’t make a profit in company. This shows that it is best to accept a bad situation in the areas of job. In conclusion, the issue concerning this topic is contentious because this has both positive and negative effects on society. (이건 강요는 아니고 '권장' 정도인데, 지금과 같은 문장은 암기된 티가 팍팍 나기 때문에, 5~6점 정도만 필요하시면 몰라도 7점 이상이 필요하시면 내가 능동적으로 문장을 만들 수 있는 연습을 하는 걸 추천드려요.) Therefore, people should decide to whether they try and improve the bad situations or not depending on an appropriate enviornment.
목표점수 : 7.0 소요시간 : 19분 시험일 : 1/4 코멘트 : 입장/ 근거/ 예시/ 결과/ 정리 에 대한 아이디어 도출이 쉽지가 않네요 음..
예시 구성이 어려우실 경우 그냥 예시 없이 근거로만 쭉 이어주시는 것도 가능하고, 오히려 그게 나을 수도 있습니다. 잘 못 쓰였거나, 부적절한 예시의 경우 없으니만 못하기 때문이죠. 즉 지금 글을 예로 들면, 예시 대신 초록색 괄호 안에 있는 부분에 더 살을 붙여서 이어나가는 것입니다. 단, 이것 역시 강요는 아니고요.
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