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Nowadays, there is a pressing issue
regarding equlity in educations. Some people insist that there should not be a
gap between the numbers of male and female man and women students in all majors in universites.
I
strongly agree with this idea because it could have positive effects
on a society.
To begin with, equal
numbers of male and female students in each subject would play an important role in
dealing with gender inequality. In the era
of industrial society, there were various gender roles so that man men tended to study important
majors such as economics and political science and woman women used to give up to be educated
in universities. Thus, the equal educational opportunities in gender would have
a positive impact on the change of the problematic patriarchal
culture. (채점관이 이 문장, 문단을 읽고서는 how? 라는 의문이 듭니다. 단순히 과거의 불평등을 설명하고 그치는 것이 아니라, 여기서 한 단계 더 나아갈 수 있어야 해요.)
In addition, students would
learn the culture of the other gender in univerisities which have same numbers
of male and female in their subjects. In particular, males who have not experienced
females are likely to inappropriately behave because they do not know how to maintain
relationships with young women woman. This would be taught by the classes with equal number
of gender, with male students understanding female ones. This experience would be
substantially beneficial for them, when they become workers and have contact and
communicate with a variety of people after they graduated the universities.
In conclusion,
I strongly believe that universities should provide students with subjects have
same numbers of man and woman male and female students because it would be helpful to cope with
gender inquality and conflict in a society.
질문 : This is because the more~~, the more~. 같이 비교급 앞에 This is because를 붙여도 문법적으로 별로 문제가 없을까요?ㅜ 6.5에서 계속 오르지 않아서ㅠㅠ 말씀 주신대로, 다양한 문장을 구성하려고 하는데..막상 시간 재고 풀면, 급한 마음에 계속 비슷한 문장이 나와서 더 고쳐지기 쉽지 않습니다.. 어쨌든 ㅠㅠㅠ항상 감사합니다ㅠㅠ
네 거절당왕님 해당 사항은 문제 없습니다!
이번 글은 예외이긴 하지만, 대체로 거절당왕님의 문제는 task 2 가 아니라 task 1 (사실 고득점이 필요한 수험생들은 모두 같은 문제를 가지고 있긴 합니다.) , 그 중에서도 overview 잡는 것과, task '1'의 문장 다양성입니다. 그래서 그쪽을 조금 끌어올릴 수 있어야 해요.
+글마다 철자 오류가 2~3개씩은 보이는데, 2~3개 정도는 그렇게 크게 문제가 되는 사항은 아니지만, 그래도 가급적이면 아예 없도록 조치를 취하는 게 좋고요.
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