“Some
people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of
particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more
important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own
opinion.”
We
have to be concerned about all of environmental problems around us. It is not a good situation to that argue about what is more important environmental problems. (이 첫 두 문장은 결론에 들어가야 합니다. 논점을 소개하는 서론에는 어울리지 않아요. 애초에 뭐가 더 중요한지 싸워서는 안 된다는 말을 시작부터 하게 되면, 밑의 대비되는 두 입장을 소개하는 의미가 없어지게 되죠.) Someone people says the main environmental problem is extinction of specific species of
plants and animals. And the Meanwhile, others say that we have more important environmental
problems. Both views need to be discussed before making a decision.
I saw a video that tells one species disappears in a few seconds. When we concentrate on other things, some species of animal or
plant will be exterminated in somewhere. I am was very shocked after I saw
this video. I realized that we have to worry about loss of animals and plants
and learn about more information about this situation. Many experts do their best to find
solutions to protect our animals and plants. It is clear that this is the one
of the most important in environmental problems. (지금 문단은 다시 작성해주셔야 하는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
However, there are few things to do for extinction of animals and plants in our daily lives. The only one method is just concern about this problem. The practical solution we can do is changing indirect causes. One of the most important
causes is that we make a lot of garbage. Some people think that it is too easy to solve. But I experienced this is not a simple problem. When I bought some groceries and delivered some foods, there are so many
plastic bags and packages. We just have been making a lot of garbage without awareness. So I think we have to use our own shopping bag that
can be reused. And we should avoid having a takeaway. These methods are what
we can do to solve environmental problems. (여기의 경우는 윗 문단보다도 더 큰 문제가 있는데, 이 역시 총평을 참고해주세요~)
To sum up, it is clear that extinction of specific species of animals and plants is a bad problem. But i think that reduction of garbage in our everyday lives is more serious environmental problems. ('쓰레기를 줄이는 것' 은 문제가 아닙니다. 쓰레기가 많다는 점은 문제이더라도요.) (314)
첨삭해주시는 내용으로 도움 많이 받고 있습니다..ㅠㅠ
총평: (4/5/6/5) 5.0
이번 글은 다시 써주셔야 하는데, 각 본론의 문제점에 대해서 말씀드리겠습니다.
본론1은 '왜' 동식물의 멸종이 가장 큰 환경 문제인지를 밝힐 수 있어야합니다. 생태계 파괴 관련해서 구체적으로 서술해주시면 되겠죠. 단순히 내가 무슨 비디오를 봤고~뭐 이런 거는 아무 의미없는 분량 채우기이므로 주의해주세요~
본론2는 지금 동식물의 멸종을 해결하기 위해 우리가 뭘 할 수 있는지를 적는 것이 아닌, 그 문제보다 더 심각한 환경문제가 있는지에 대해 서술할 수 있어야 합니다. 예를 들면 대기오염이 왜 현시대의 가장 큰 환경문제인지를 서술해주시면 되고요.
수고하셨습니다 :)