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<Topic> Some people think that a
sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that
children who are taugh to co-operate rather than compete become more useful
adults. |
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These days, many
people believe that competition is the most effective way to assess children’s
knowledge levels. However, some people consider that learning cooperation outweighs
competition. Although both viewpoints are valid, I would like to opine that cooperation
is more significant. On one hand, it
is a belief that competitions may motivate children in positive ways. Through the assessment (여기도 경쟁과 조금 더 관련지어 설명이 필요합니다. 단순 평가와 경쟁은 다르기 때문이죠.) in school, students are able to realize their academic levels
in the objective way and they can be encouraged to study more about their weaknesses.
In addition, there are some fields that competition is inevitable, for
instance, sports. Athletes should be evaluated by using their record since they
work hard to be the first winner among other athletes. Lastly, achieving a high
score might help students to have better jobs in their future as advanced GCA
levels could be the strength in the recruitment. One the other
hand, I firmly believe that competition may occur other negative issues. For example,
students may commit the alternative way to achieve their own aim such as cheating.
It discourages other students who honestly (큰 차이는 없지만 일단 바꿔드렸습니다.) put in persistent efforts According
to the above analysis, even though competitions bring benefits, I strongly think
that being cooperative teaches moral values and ethics to students. Therefore,
cooperation should be encouraged rather than the competition. |
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[ 256 words] |
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Grammar |
Vocabulary |
Cohesion and Coherence |
Task Response |
7/9.0 |
8/9.0 |
6/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
감사합니다.
총평: 현재 본론 두 번째 문단, 그리고 나머지 부분+논제와는 약간의 충돌이 있습니다. 논제를 고려했을 때 본론 두 번째 문단은 경쟁의 단점이 아닌 협동의 장점을 다뤄주셔야 합니다. 경쟁의 단점을 서술한다고 이게 바로 협동의 장점을 정당화하는 것이 아니기 때문에 주의해주셔야 해요. 이는 정말 많은 학생들이 범하는 논리적인 오류이므로 참고해주세요~! 본론 두 번째 문단은 일부분에 있어서 경쟁을 부정하더라도, 대부분은 협동을 긍정하는 내용으로 채워주셔야 해요.
수고하셨습니다 :)