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In modern society, many health issues are becoming common regardless what ages are people of. One of the serious illnesses >> one of the (최상급) 복수명사 입니다 in today is overweight due to various factors. I believe that children, in particular, needs some protections or preventions against this problem.
To begin with, >> 주장의 시작은 부사가 나오고 이는 어느 에세이나 공통입니다 one of the causes why obesity is spreading between on our children is unbalanced diet. This trend mainly has mainly emerged since the computerized ages>> 앞 뒷 내용을 봐서는 상관없는 내용이네요 굳이 computerized 가 나올 필요가 없이 그저 뒤에 기술의 발전으로만도 충분한 설명이 됩니다. With the development of technology, plenty of food produced by factories -made and , which lead to mass production, have made easier for contaminated children's health to intake much more calories than they required recommended daily allowance. This is because the abundant food supply has allowed our food cheaper and affordable. >> 본문 내용 구성을 회사가 mass production을 하면서 음식들이 abundant 해졌다 그에 따라 값싼 식품들이 상품화되고 아이들의 일일 권장 섭취량보다 많이 섭취하면서 너무 많은 칼로리로 인해 비만이 초래됐다 식으로 진행해보는건 어떨까요?
Additionally, another main reason is probably the lack of exercise. Most children are spending their time in front of computer screens. This has made children more sedentary and less active. Nowadays >> now'a'days 입니다 a 가 들어갑니다, many children nowdays work hard for academic credits not for their fitness.>> 컴퓨터 스크린 앞에 앉아있다는 얘기가 이미 나왔는데 공부를 하느라고 그랬다는건 앞에 내용을 충분히 보충해주지 못하고 다른 얘기를 하는 것입니다 This imbalance lifestyle results in children gaining much weight.
There are some solutions available for all of us. As a student, For the reasons above, we need to be aware of how our diet and food influence our bodies. Some food contains excessive fat and harmful chemicals which accelerate obesity. Therefore, >> 문두 부사 뒤 콤마 넣어주세요 it is very important that our education system needs to be transformed, focusing on importance of a diet.
On top of this, As a parents >> a parent, we should take care of what our children have for their meal. we are all responsible for our children to be healthy and fit. Planning a weekly healthy diet would be great for our children.
In conclusion, although there are many reasons that makes our children being overweighted, we need to suggest and implement our way to realize healthy life.
단락마다 첫 줄에 indention 즉 들여쓰기가 없어서 그래머 부분에서 감점이 있습니다
제가 for the reason above라고 써드린 부분 문단을 지워주세요 그게 있으니까 글자수는 차지하지만
다른 본문이나 solution 부분에서 의견이 너무 약해졌습니다 다른 부분도 채우려면 300자가 넘어갈테구요
그래서 제가 본문은 4개로만 구성해주시라고 말씀드리는 이유입니다
현재 문단이 6개구요 모두 짧아서 단단한 근거가 없습니다 대체로 쉽고 비슷한 문장구조들이 쓰였습니다
다양하게 가정법도 사용하면서 예시도 들어주셔야 합니다 예시는 꼭 필요합니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
5.5 예상합니다 |