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There are different views whether some celebrities such as a sport player, and musician are born with specific abilities or not. Some people argure that these people are successful in their fields thanks to teaching, but I am against this idea. >> 사람들은 이런 사람들은 가르침 덕분에 그들의 분야에서 성공적이라고 하지만 난 반대한다? 첫 줄엔 이런 사람들에 해당되는 운동선수나 음악가가 특정 능력을 타고났다고 했는데 뒤에선 이렇게 나오니 무슨 말인지 전혀 모르겠네요
On the one hand To begin with >> 이게 더 부드럽게 글이 이어지는 듯 싶어 바꿔드렸습니다, it is generally believed that some famous people like such as sports players, musicians, actresses, >>세개 이상 항목에서 마지막 and/or 앞엔 콤마가 붙습니다 or actors could be taught to become succeed in their own fields >> 서론과 중복되는 내용이네요. It is true that these people extremely make an extreme effort to improve their abilities and skills then to win in competitive areas. Take the popular figure skater For example, Yeon Ah Kim, a Korean figure skater, and a violinist, Sa Ra Jang, as an example, the fact are quite well known by that they have struggled to become excellent persons, displaying their abilities.
On the other hand, although I caan accept the opinion to some extent, an innate talent would be a more essential factor to become good sports player and musician a skillful person. Obviously, many people are born with their own personality, which means that they probably have their own genetic talents affected by their family. For instance, it can be seen that some celebrities such as a sport person , artists have someone who has an interest or ability in common when it comes to an occupation. It means that these talented people's capacities are transmitted run in their family and , which is why they can achieve their potential with such innate talents.
For the reasons mentioned above, I believe that genetic talents that people are born with are vital factors to become a good person in their fields. Proper education to succeed is fundamental, furthermore but an innate talent is the indispensable key for accomplishment.
각 문단 첫 시작은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 관사 문제가 많습니다 또한 예시도 계속 sport, musician 만 들고 계시구요 계속 비슷한 말들이 반복됩니다 단어도 계속 반복이 되고 있구요 문법(관사, 콤마 위주) 공부해주시구요 단어 많이 공부해주세요 또한 Task1 먼저 써주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4 5.5 예상합니다 |