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It is widely accepted that the Internet offers a lot of information for children, so students are able to study by themselves at home. Therefore, much of the public say that home schooling would be accounted for >> would be a major method of 도 괜찮다고 생각됩니다 account for가 차지하다 라는 뜻으로 사용된 듯 보이지만 홈스쿨링은 교육으로 차지될 것이다는 약간 어색하지 않나 싶습니다 education. In this essay, I will argue the weaknesses of providing children with online education.
In the first place, student-teacher relationship >> a relationship between a student and a teacher 가 적절합니다 based on classroom education would be largely weakened. The chief reason is that children do not need to go to >> go 다음 방향성을 제시하는 to가 나와야 합니다 to 가 쓰이지 않는 경우는 there 이 대표적인 예입니다 school any longer and they could not learn important factors >> factor는 가산 명사이므로 a 나 복수형태로 만들어주시기 바랍니다 in a >> classroom 역시 가산명사이므로 복수나 단수를 명시해주시기 바랍니다 classroom such as getting relationships with peers or learning empathy or patience from their teachers. In addition, according to a survey conducted in 2012, 95% of the respondents who has children at aged 8 to 18 answered that home schooling has many drawbacks, >> 콤마 해주시길 바랍니다 접속사가 나오는 경우는 that을 제외하고 콤마를 써주는 것이 문법상 맞습니다 since it is difficult for students to become socialized >> 사교적이게 된다는 뜻으로 형용사를 만들기 위해 d 를 붙였습니다. After all, they are likely to be a extremely individualist and have hardships in making friends after graduation.
In the second place >> 첫 문단과 시작이 같은 형태는 좋지 않습니다 Secondly 등으로 써주시길 바랍니다, students would become less self-motivated and they cannot reach their goals without anyone's encouragement. A often heard >> It is often heard that 의 형식으로 진행하는게 문법상 맞습니다 is that children are too young to achieve their daily homework by themselves. This is because there are many comfortable and enjoyable things for them at home such as toys, TV, bed and so on, so they would be >> be 와 fall 이 이중 동사라 불가능하고 would fall 혹은 would be fallen 으로 해주세요 fall easily into these stuffs which are not totally helpful for them to study. They will be always free from studying. Additionally, children usually do not like to do something continuously without taking any compliments. For example, if children are left alone at home and their parents work, they would hard to get parental encouragement, so home schooling is the worst way to study.
In conclusion, learning through online at home has many weaknesses for children. The behind reason is that it would make them isolated that they would be less >> less 다음은 불가산명사 즉 셀 수 없는 명사가 나와야 합니다 would be less sociable 정도로 고쳐주는 것이 좋습니다 a social person and fail to study. Eventually, this is completely not good way of education. 어느 정도까지 동의를 하고 하지 못하냐는 질문이 나왔을 경우엔 확실한 답변을 해주셔야 합니다 나는 완전히 동의한다( 그 이유 ) 부분적 동의한다 (동의 이유, 동의하지 않는 이유) 완전히 동의하지 않는다 ( 그 이유) 등으로 나뉘게 됩니다 확실히 어떻게 한다는 본인의 의견을 서론에서 피력하여 글의 방향을 제시하는 것이 좋습니다 중간에 의견 부분은 단락을 나누어 잘 설명해주셨고 그래머 문제는 위에 적어드린 부분 눈여겨 봐주시길 바랍니다 간단한 그래머에서 비롯될수록 더 빈번하게 실수할 확률이 높습니다 Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 6.0 예상합니다 그래머를 조금 더 보완하시고 단어를 더 다양하고 논리를 잘 구성해서 중복되는 얘기가 나오는 듯한 느낌을 자제하도록 글을 써주시면 더욱 좋은 점수 기대됩니다 |