▶ Your Answer : Millions of people are living on the Earth. The more children are born, the more the population of the Earth increases today >> the 비교급 형태 쓰지 말아주세요. The population of the earth is dramatically increasing today. As a result, plenty of diverse effects have occurred. Although many people argue that governments should do not have the right to limit the number of children parents can have in heavily populated countries >> 똑같네요 문제랑, It is obvious that governments have to limit the number of children parents can have because of three reasons: overpopulation can be cause in unemployment, overpopulation can be depletion of natural resources, overpopulation can cause degradation of environment. 본인의 주장을 제시하고 이유 등의 자세한건 본론가서 하세요
To begin with, it is difficult to live without a job and money in capitalistic economy and to get a job in this situation. The first reason why governments should have the right to limit the number of children parents can have is that unemployment can be decreased. Unemployment can cause family break-up, depression, >> 세개 이상 나열일 때 and 앞에 콤마입니다 and difficulties. It is because a lot of people have to find a job in a limited field workplaces. A high level of unemployment might make people steal some items, such as food and money to survive a normal healthy life for their family. Specifically, some developing countries, such as China and Indonesia usually have these problems. >> 범죄가 증가하는 원인이 주제가 아니라 정부의 아이 숫자 제재입니다 그어드린 부분은 알맞지 않슨비다
Another reason for limiting the number of children parents can have >> 구조가 계속 똑같네요 is overpopulation can cause depletion of natural resources such as water, land, and minerals. People can use some limited natural resources. However, they mercilessly cut mercilessly forests down, so most the environments is damaged by people. People are depleting their natural resources much faster than before >> natural resources를 야기시킨다가 주장인데 왜 이 근거는 현재 자연이 damaged 되고 있냐인가요? 단순히 damage라고 통칭하지 않고 현재에 천연 자원이 고갈되고 있거나 그럴 가능성을 주장보다 자세히 제시해야 합니다. Besides, starvation is the biggest issue facing the world faces. For example, China’s population have increased up to 1.3 billion more, so China’s government restricts on size of families with only one child. >> 한 본문엔 하나의 주장입니다
A final reason why governments should have the right to limit the number of children parents can have is that overpopulation lead to degradation of the environment. If more people live on earth, people will need more factories and products. When people build some factories that produce contaminated water and harmful chemicals, these bring some serious problems that led to global warming. >> 문단 4개로 해주세요 그 이상은 필요 없습니다
In summary, although it is important for parents to have children, parents have to know the fact that their own children will face difficulty in the future>> 부모들이 아이를 갖는 것이 중요할지라도 아이들은 그들의 아이들이 미래에 어려움을 직면할 것이란 사실을 알아야 한다 이 문제는 정부와 부모들 사이의 문제지 부모와 아이의 상관관계가 아닙니다. It seems unreasonable for the government to limit the number of children parents can have.>>부모들이 아이를 갖는 것이 중요할지라도 아이들은 그들의 아이들이 미래에 어려움을 직면할 것이란 사실을 알아야 한다 정부가 아이들의 수를 제한하는 것은 비이성적이다 그럼 대체 뭐가 주장인가요
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Task Achievement - 4 Coherence and Cohesion - 3 Lexical Resource - 4 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 4
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