Advances in technology have improved people’s quality of lives better than ever before.
However, it is also undeniable that there are some problems caused by convenience of technology. Increasing average weight of people and their physical ability and condition that , which are inversely proportional to their weight gain, have been a serious issues to people in most countries. In my opinion, these problems can be solved by working out everyday on a regular basis. >> in my opinion 부분 문단 나누지 말아주세요 내용도 오늘날의 편한 삶이 사람들의 평균 몸무게를 올리고 건강 수준을 낮추고 있다 그런 관점에서 나는 ~~라고 주장한다 정도로만 작성하셔도 됩니다
These problems are mainly caused by an advance of technology. >> 중복이네요 서론이랑 To begin with, although people take advantages from the latest technology, but it also the advanced technology spoils people’s health condition and their ability of fitness by making them not working out enough to maintain their health condition. >> 설명이 들어가야 합니다 편해진 삶으로 사람들이 운동하지 않는다 혹은 바쁜 일정 때문에 할 시간이 없다 등 설명이 있고 그에 대한 뒤에 예시가 나와야 합니다 혹은 뒤에 예시를 보니 자동차가 나오는데 설명 부분에 자동차의 발달로 사람들이 빠르고 편하단 이유로 차를 고집한다 예를들면 집 앞에 편의점을 갈 때도 차를 타고 간다 정도로 예를 들어주면 좋겠습니다For example, most people in modern period of time society have their own cars. It is essential to have one for people, because it is highly convenient and also reduces a significant amount of time used spent on moving from one place to another, wherever people decide to go. However, it also deprives people of chances of exercise. The recent research shows that the average weight of people who commute to their workplace by cars is 5.8 kg heavier than those who commute by walking. This study supports that advent of technology affects on people’s health condition by taking the chance to exercise out of people. >> 본문 하나에 예시는 하나입니다 이 부분 지우시면 글자수가 200자 대로 줄어듭니다
Nevertheless, these problems can be solved by an adequate amount of working out. Above all, exercise is a key to maintain a good physical condition. However, >> 문두 부사 뒤에는 콤마가 나와야 합니다 people can simply improve simply their health condition by changing their lifestyles. For instance, people can try using bicycles instead of cars when they go to workplace, >> 콤마 빼주세요 or playing sports with friends on holiday rather than watching television. Eventually, these little efforts to being active will eventually make people to get back in shape as well as regain their physical strength recover their physical strength.
There is no doubt that most people in modern era have faced the problem from gain and loss on weight gain and loss of physical abilities. It is mainly caused by the technology such as >> like 보다 좋은 표현입니다 invention of vehicles. However, it can be solved by proper exercise such as walking a lot or by playing sports with friends.
100자 초과하셨습니다 글 줄여주시구요
각 문단의 첫 줄은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작합니다 문법 채점에도 들어가구요 문단은 4문단으로 구성해야합니다 그치만 서론에도 마지막 줄 나누고 본론에도 첫 줄 나눠서 6 문단 이상으로 늘어나네요 큰 주장 하나만 제시하고 그 밑에 본인 의견을 쓰는 편이 좋겠습니다
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy -6
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