These days, many people decide on their occupations based on the pay level amount of salary. Even though certain wage the appropriate level of it is important on job selection in selecting a job, I insist argue that other factors, such as proper working hours and psychological satisfaction, are job satisfaction is equally significant.>> 서론에선 such as 처럼 어떤 말보다는 문장들로 구성하면서 어떠한 의문이 들지 않게 하는게 좋습니다
To begin with, many job seekers want to have high-paying professions - such as doctors and lawyers - since these occupations will allow them to meet their basic needs. >> 급여에 찬성한다는 주장이 많은 사람들이 높은 급여를 받는 직업을 원한다? 주장으로서 적절치 않습니다 또한 such as 는 뒤에 설명에서 제시해주면 더욱 좋을 듯 싶구요 job seekers 처럼 구직을 원하는 사람들과 변호사 의사와는 차이가 있다고 봅니다 변호사 의사는 구직을 한다고 보기엔 무리가 있을 수도 없을 수도 있는 직업일 수 있어서요 각설하고 주장부터 본다면 높은 급여는 삶을 더 윤택하게 해준다(주장) 그들이 얻는 많은 양의 돈으로 그들의 기본적인 요구를 남들보다 더 충족할 수 있는 기회를 얻을 수 있다(설명) For example, we all need money to pay for housing, food, health care, >> 세개 이상의 나열 중 마지막 항목 앞에 위치한 and/or 앞엔 콤마를 붙여줍니다 and education. Especially, in a capitalistic society, also, higher financial status >> the financial condition is considered when judging one's a way to judge a person's social position status. Thus, it is plausible to suggest that the salary level is attractive for job hunters. >> 밑줄 친 부분은 위의 주장과는 관련이 없습니다
Nevertheless, I believe that other elements are as important as how much money we earn in our jobs. To begin with, >> 구구절절 설명할 필요 없습니다 반대 의견 나오면 그냥 반대 의견 나타내는 부사 하나 써놓고 시작하시면 됩니다 On the other hand, having enough spare time is a quite beneficial factor to increase someone's>>그냥 one's 만 쓰지 않고 someone 이나 somebody를 써줍니다 quality of life. Doctors, in example for instance, who are working with me in the same hospital, always look exhausted since they have no time to do their hobbies as well as >> 그냥 as well 이면 too 와 같이 또한이란 뜻입니다 to meet their family or friends. Furthermore, sentimental values like job contents and personal relationship can be counted as an necessary consideration on job decision. As majority of employees spend considerable time in workplace, having an approachable colleagues and interesting job for them will contribute to have a happier day, which is associated with a mentally satisfactory life. >> Furthermore 는 주장을 나타낼 때 쓰는 부사입니다 게다가 ~~ 하면서 다른 주장을 내미는거죠 모두 지워주세요 본문 하나엔 하나의 주장만 들어갑니다
In conclusion, although salary is such a fascinating factor when deciding on a career patch looking for a work, I am convinced that money cannot overwhelm a non-monetary considerations , including contentment from the work including appropriate working hours and spiritual values. To maximize a worker's job satisfaction, a well-balanced consideration about financial and non-financial values combined will be needed financial and non-financial values have to be balanced.