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It is sometimes argued that current celebrities get >> get 동사는 피해주세요 are famous renowned for their luxurious lifestyles and money rather than the work they do their attainment. While Although I partially agree with the opinion that it can have a harmful effect on youngsters, I believe that other such well-known people set positive examples as well.
Clearly, some people get>> get 동사 피해주세요 서론에서는 become 의 의미 여기선 gain의 의미죠 이렇게 엄청나게 다양한 의미를 가지고 있는 단어를 이곳저곳 사용한다면 어휘력에 부정적인 영향을 미칩니다 a easily fame easily through their enormous money that they inherit from their parents or get through marriage with the rich. >> 뒤에 also 가 나와서 이 문장은 그냥 하나의 코멘트 정도에 지나지 않게 됐습니다 본문에 하나의 의견만 써달라고 말씀 드렸었습니다 Also,>> also so and or but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 some celebrities flaunt their glamorous life patterns on gossip magazines or reality TV programs to be famous. >> 주장으로 맞는 단언적인 문장도 아니며 뒤에 설명도 없습니다 The children of successful businessmen >> 이 사람들은 celebrities라는 범주 내에 속하지 않습니다 or famous entertainers are good examples. They usually have a considerable asset, which is inherited,>> that helps the heirs or heiresses to enjoy their lives 콤마 빼주세요 such as living in extravagant villa, using branded products which cost an arm and a leg>> 관용구입니다 아카데믹한 글에선 쓰지 않습니다, and even achieving higher office positions simply without any hard works. This situation displayed on the mass media is often blamed since it can discourage young people’s will to succeed by effort.>> 예시도 잘못 잡고 첫 줄의 문장에서 오류도 있습니다
However On the other hand, I would say that it is just one part of many cases, and there are more still many celebrities who have a positive influence on children. Firstly, they gain their popularity through constant practices and efforts. In case of >> 이 자체가 예시입니다 따라서 또 설명이 없는 본론이 됐습니다 sports starts and well-known musicians who have tried to improve their abilities, their successful stories inspire many children in a beneficial way>> 어떤 beneficial way 죠? . Secondly, even some people who become famous through wealth can set a good example to youngsters. To take an example of Su-jin Kim, who is an actor but more famous for his riches, he decided to donate the large portion of his asset to charity funds. His "Noblesse-Oblige" led his young fans to participating in donation, which is considered a good model of positive influence of celebrities. >> 또 이렇게 작성됐네요 본문 하나엔 하나의 주장입니다
In conclusion, I believe that the influence of celebrities on young people can be both positive and negative.
짦게 쓰고 싶었는데 결국 300자를 조금 넘었네요^^;
첨삭 부탁드립니다. 감사합니다. ------------------------------------
전에 7점대를 드렸던 글과는 계속 안 좋은 글들이 나오고 있습니다
어느정도 동의/동의하지 않냐 라는 테스크에선 한 주제만 잡고 작성해주세요
양쪽 다 잡고 작성하려면 할 말이 많을 시 이렇게 두 본문에서 네 개의 의견이 나오게 됩니다 논리가 일관적이지 않고 의견 네 개가 나와서 연결이 매끄럽지도 않습니다 또한 짧아진 주장과 없는 설명, 잘못된 예시를 통해 불분명하고 부정확한 대답들이 나와있습니다 논리 전개에서 거의 실패했습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 4 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |