▶ Your Answer : In 21st century, thanks to development in transportation, we can move travel remote distance easily and comfortablye by cars. And Also, (And로 접속사 사용 x) no matter where places are, we can migrate (이주..? 어색한 단어 선택) within 24 hours. However, there are problems. Because many people use their own car, exaust gas makes causes serious environment problems. Also, (comma) there are severe traffic congestion when people commute and travel on weekend. As well as there are a lot of car accidents and it makes people uncomfortable (how..? why? 자동차 사고가 많아서 불편하다?). To solve this, is increasing the price of petrol proper? (의문문 사용 권장 x, 자신의 분명한 입장을 제시하는 것이 좋습니다.)
Increasing the price of gasoline is a temporary expedient. To begin with, the number of people who drive (사람 자체가 감소 x, 운전하는 사람의 수가 감소) will decrease using cars because of rised price. But, (comma) it can not cannot (붙여서 사용) be last long. People ride cars soon, finally, it just causes unnecessary accending of petrol. ??이해안되는 부분 For instance, Korea government increased a tax of cigarettes to prohibit people smoking from 2500won to 4500won, 80%. At first, the number of non-smokers rose were rised, , (comma) but, (<- no comma) the figure was decended before long ??. Just government made a profit. According to government, after increasing price of tobacco, a tax of tobacco in the fisrt quarter were gathered 100billion won more than last first-quarter. On the other hand, low income groups have been criticizing the government.
As above, increasing the price of petrol is a temporary solution. I think to solve growing traffic and pollution problems, competitive goods were are needed, (comma) such as, bus, train and bike. In Korea, almost the whole every bus uses natural gas. Contrary the cars, bus which use natural gas do not make exhaust and fine dust, so it is very environment-friendly. It is effective to solve traffic because many people can ride take a bus.
To sum up, increasing the price of petrol is not only temporary solution, but also not fundamental ?????. Therefore, to solve traffic and pollution problem, government has to make policies to revitalize public transportation.
SCORE: 5
Comment: 이해안되는 부분이 잦으며, 어색한 단어 선택과 문법적 실수가 있습니다. |