Nowadays, we can see and hear that what happened / social crimes (what happened 혹은 social crimes 둘 중 하나만 쓰세요) in country through the media, so some people are worriedy that about provoke imitatingon crimes and they insist that governments should control the media. However, I do think that there is no need to control the media from governments.
Some people say that children and some adults can imitate what they see on TV, especially children think that it is okay to commit crimes because they can see it on TV programs. And Also, (And를 접속사로 사용하지 않습니다) it can provoke needless great fear. Therefore, (comma) they insist that in order to prevent these things (things와 같은 애매한 사용은 감점의 요소입니다), governments must control the media.
However, I strongly disagree with the opinion that governments should control the media. I think that TV programs and films do not cause an increase in social crimes, (<-no comma) if media do not broadcast crimes in a detailed way. Moreover, (comma) people already know that committing crimes is not acceptable. Rather, it may cause side effects, for example, if the government controls the media, they infringe people’s right to access information. People will not know the government’s activities (What activities?).
In conclusion, It it (대/소문자 주의) is not desirable to for government to control of the media because 주어 어디? can provoke more serious matter. However, I think that there is no need do not to broadcast crimes in a detailed way.
SCORE: 5-
Comment: 현재 서술하신 글이 총 203words로 At least 250words라는 기준치에 많이 미달하고 있으며, 300words정도 서술하신다고 생각하시고 서술하면 좋습니다. 단어/문장의 선택이 단조로우며, 어색한 표현과 이해하기 힘든 부분이 있어 reader로 하여금 confusion을 줍니다.