▶ Your Answer : It is very crucial for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at a young age. However, it is not a simple problem task for children to tell which what one is right or wrong in the diverse situations. Some people insist punishment is needed to let them learn this distinction. Others suggest that punishment is not a good way method. I agree with the first idea that punishment is necessary to raise a child. First of all, children are in the course of growing up, so it is natural for them to make mistakes doing something wrong and have their parents have to correct an them unusual behavior. The intentions of such behavior by children are not meant to be bad but rather an inability to know what to do They don't intend bad behavior. They just don't know which behavior is proper in new and awkward situations. For example, a four to five 4-5(숫자 1~10은 글로 쓰셔야합니다) year old boy could scream out what he wants to have loudly, while visiting his friend's house and encountering the a toy which satisfies his taste. It This is because children at an early age usually only care about themselves early age children usually take care about only themselves. In that such situation, parents should teach them through words about their it is not good behavior by talking to them and let them consider being on the other person's shoes. The very important critical thing is letting them know the distinction between right and wrong. When a child is too stubborn to fix his wrong behavior, the punishment is needed(necessary, crucial) to correct it. There are numerous (lots of informal합니다) punishments which include persuading, time-out, limiting what child wants, forcing what child the dislikes and physical punishment. Strong Physical punishments may cause remain painful memory to one's mind for a long time, so it is not recommended. Instead of that, time-out or limiting what child wants are (preferable) better. Time-out offers children to reflect their his behavior and helps them realize their fault naturally. Limiting what child wants is also very effective way to correct their wrong behavior. In conclusion, proper punishment is mandatory for raising kids because parents and teachers have an obligation to make a child become a better person. Therefore parents and teacher must have persistent attention to their child and should have ability to choose the right punishment depending on situations.
Score: 5 Comment: Indentation을 해주시면 글을 읽기가 reader한테 더 편해요 ^^ Informal한 단어들 조심해주세요. 표현들이 아직 높은 편은 아니여서 조금더 공부하시면 좋을거같아요. 에세이 정리가 필요합니다. 일단 지금의 body paragraph들은 clarity가 조금 떨어집니다. First paragraph에서는 punishment에 대한 약간의 관계가 있는 것 같지만 중심은 그냥 아이의 tantrum을 하는 이유와 대하는 법에 더있어서 연관성이 조금 떨어져요. 그리고sentence structure에 문제가 많아요. 말이 안되는 문장들이있어서 Rephrase할 부분들이 많습니다. |