▶ Your Answer :
Task
1.
Information are given in The two charts represent how to
spend energy is spent generally in an average Australian household and be consisted of how much greenhouse
gas is emitted from the energy uses emissions to them. Generally, most of portions in two charts are very
similar(??????). Two charts illuminate Australian use energy at home as some reasons.
But, There are different. They show different
percentage on each subject. Compare to second chart, (만약에 한문장이였다면 heating의 h는 capitalized 되어 있으면 안됩니다) Heating is occupied occupies the largest percentage in the first chart at 42% part
of pies in the first chart. It is bigger than twenty five percent. Other
appliances section is smaller than ten percent.
{On the other hand, water heating and cooling
rarely have a difference between them. It is almost on to two percent. Lighting
is also similar in two charts. It just shows a five 5(숫자 1~10은 글로 써야합니다) percent of gap.}<(정확기 무슨 말을 하시는지 몰라서 irrelevant한 내용입니다)
Two charts illuminate the percentage of each
chart.<(말이 전혀 안되는 문장입니다.) Even though two pie charts are not same percent on each subject, they show
almost similar percentage. We cannot find the reason why using energy and green
household gas emissions offer different consistence, but we can analyze how to relevant
between two topics.
Score: 3.5 Comment: Task 1에 대한 질문을 쓰는 법을 조금더 공부를 하셔야할거같아요. 아직 틀이 잡히시지않아요 글의 내용이 질문을 답해주는 느낌이 안납니다. 내용 정리도 안되어 있고 그냥 차트에 보여지는 내용만 그대로 말씀해주시는거 같아요. Task 1은 최대한 specific한게 좋습니다. Pie chart의 경우 percentage가 뭔지, 비교는 어떤 것에 대한 비유인지, category는 뭐가 있는지, 최고와 최저는 뭔지 내용을 정리해서 말씀 해주시는게 맞습니다. 다른 분들이 쓰신 에세이나 에세이 샘플들을 한번 읽어보세요. 도움이 되실거에요.
Task
2.
In children’s educations, learning from right to wrong Learning to right
and wrong occupies the largest portion highest position. It is essential that they have to get
a difference(??????) by parents or teacher’s teaching.[ About this way to teach,]<(need to rephrase.이해가 안가는 phrase입니다) I
insist that punishment to learn what is wrong from right for learning right and wrong is necessary.(period not comma!!!) I would like to give alternatives on how to teach children teaches from right and wrong behaviors more easily. <alternative 라고 하면 이미 제세된 방법이 있는데 그것 말고의 다른 방법을 말해주겠다는 의미입니다. 이 부분에서 alternative가 적합하지않아요.
In our contemporary society, many crimes are being committed most of countries. Nowadays, its gaps(what gap?) are being disappearing to two behaviors
by many kinds of mass medias and internet, especially social networks. So Thus, we
need to teach all of children what is right or wrong behaviors. Maybe they cannot distinct their behaviors
themselves. As a precaution way, we have to find out many ways to teach teaching distinction.
First of all, adults limit that their children
using mass medias a lot of time. If you possible, Prohibiting to use those will
be better.<<(앞 문장과 같은 이야기를 하고있습니다) Even if they children connect with those(what are those?), adults need to explain what is
wrong beside children. They unconsciously get knowledge without judging.
Secondly, Launching establishing counseling centers might be
an answer. AsConsistent counseling consistently offered counseling will help children to understand the theory of behaviors much better. , many children understand on
their own behavior. Their ability to judge right or wrong distinction will also increase be also
grown up.
Most of adults are worried about children’s
judging ability what is right or wrong on their behaviors. In addition other to this problem,
many people are interested in their learning individually and socially. By
insisting my opinion, children need to learn a way to distinct right or wrong,
and to judge their choice. I am highlighting that these thinking cannot be aware
on their own and need to adult’s help.
Score: 3.5 Needs improvement on writing Comment: 일단 에세이가 연결성이 없고 단어들이 너무 repetitive합니다. 디테일이 부족한 부분도 군데군데 있습니다. Paragraph writing부터 차근차근 연습하셔야할거같아요. 문법도 어색한 부분이 많습니다.
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