▶ Your Answer : Recently, we are living in the a modernized society which brought brings us more a higher quality of life.However, despite all of the modernized society's advantages, there are still drawbacks: juvenile crime.
I think juvenile crime is caused by the individualism. Electronic devices make life us more convenient and efficient life, but it brought our childrens to be obsessed with smartphones too much.<(이 문장은 introduction에 나와야합니다) Young generations are too busy to see their own smartphone's screen, consequently they become solitary. They don't(formal essay이기 때문에 풀어서 쓰셔야합니다) have many friends and commit crimes easily in the cyber space, using their smartphone. In summary, individualism caused by the smartphone among the people of young generation is concerned with the juvenile crime.
To reduce the juvenile crime, parents should have to pay attention to their children. According to the researches and studies, abandoned children ,especially during their childhood young period, take more than half the rate of the crime rate than those who are not abandoned who're not.
It is generally an excepted idea that the kids who cared by the a happy family doesn't commit crime. To decrease juvenile crime, parents should have to teach children that do to not concentrate too much on their smartphones.
Score: 3.5 Comment: 여러 아이디어나 statement인 문장들 보다는 complete paragraph으로 쓰시는게 좋습니다. 문장의 어순 공부를 조금 더 하셔야 할것 같습니다. 어색하게 흐르는 문장이 많습니다. 또한 논리성이 없고 내용도 많이 부족하십니다. 글자수도 300 미만이십니다. 조금더 내용이나 예시를 주면서 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. |