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Nowadays, we are living in a technologically well-developed society. Anyone can connect to 911 in an urgent situation.<(need more work한 introduction 입니다) It(What is it?) is very useful for elders olders who have disabilities. (문장을 Because으로 시작하시지 않는게 좋습니다) Because they cannot go out anytime, so they need special utilities like an emergency button<(not a utility) in their home. Fortunately, they are no longer worries about emergency situations. People who live in advanced countries does are not restricted by the geological boundaries anymore.<(이 문장의 의도를 모르겠습니다) For instance, old people who are not familiar with technological devices can use the one a button which is automatically connected to hospitals or cops.
However, despite all of the advantages there are still a lot of drawbacks. Old people who live alone are on the rise. It is because many people think "it's okay. They can approach the emergency button anytime." According to the BBC, a large big amount of old people are in danger to live alone and actually many old people are discovered in as dead bodies recently.
Of course the advancement of technology for convenience is good for our lives. However I strongly insist that we need to pay attention on old neighbors who live alone. In my opinion, we should trying to get in touch with old people even if they have brand-new aid system in home.
Score:3.5 Comment: 에세이 형식/format 공부를 더 하셔야할것 같습니다. 문장들이 너무 많이 나눠져있습니다. 또한 specificity 조심해주세요. 아무 설명없이 pronoun을 쓰시면 reader은 글쓴이가 무슨 이야기를 하는지 모릅니다. 에세이 정리가 많이 필요하십니다. Outline form으로 먼저 내용을 정리 하신후 에세이를 쓰시면 도움이 될것 같습니다. 지금으로서는 아직 논리나, 연결성, 이해가 부족한 에세입니다. |