▶ Your Answer :
In recent years, there has been an argument about whether violent sports have to be curbed in media and international sports games in contemporary world. I completely disagree to put limit on the access of fo sports such as boxing and martial arts and will pose some applicable supports in this essay.
To begin with, there are several facts to back up the significance of being broadcasting and holding competitions of such sports. Firstly, it can play as a stress relaxer for people who are exhausted from studies and works. By spectating exciting and such a violent sports, people feel refreshed from daily situations instead of direct experiences <(unclear). Furthermore, even though some people consider that these sorts of sports looks like fighting each other, they apparently have strict rules as well as are good for health. To be specific, the boxing is not only just violent but also playing held in a square ring with protectors, referees, coaches, and strategies. Also, there is no doubt to get healthy body from regular and exact actions <(?) of their sports.
In addition, prohibition of sports which are violent, from TV press and from worldwide competitions, results in some problems. The main trouble is that many sports players lose their jobs. They always challenge to win and to be a champion in their area. However, if the concerns of public reduce by disturbances of seeing games <(unclear), those kinds of sports will disappear. Besides, on a societal level, the society ought to embrace and encourage to improve a range of sports.<(need elaboration) The last but not least, intestinal controls of people's attention causes make side effects which provoke other illegal sports.
To recapitulate, taking some reasons into account some reasons, I am of the belief that people should not ban sports containing violence from people's sights and concerns. <(그 이유도 concluding을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 어느정도 좋다고 생각하는데 이해가 잘 안되는 절이나 표현들이 있습니다. 또한 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 즉, organization과 clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 spelling에 주의를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |