▶ Your Answer :
The argument about the methods to improve people’s health is not settled yet. Some people claim that making more sports facilities is the best way, however in my view, there could be other efficient measures.
On the one hand, we cannot deny exercising is a good way to improve public health. Sports can keep people’s physical and mental health healthy healthier for sure. If the number of sports facilities increases, the cost for using it will be declined. Then, people can use these facilities more easily easier, because the using fee is affordable, as well as it is close to people. In my case, I do not want to spend my time to go to a get a sports center, if its location is too far. People can be healthy when they work out regularly. If someone who is not interested in sports passed by a sports facility, they would be fascinated in any sports. <(전체적인 coherence가 조금 부족합니다)
On the other hands, it is not essential to do sports for people, so they are unwilling to work out. Although the figure of sports centers are increased, people would not use it. In my opinion, increasing the number of sports facilities is not the best way and we should consider about other ways. First of all, governments should restrict that the company let their employees work do overtime work. While working hard is good for the economy of the country, it is inappropriate to public health. We can expect that people can care about their health by themselves, when they have more free time. Furthermore, they can not only do can do not only limited sports at indoor sports facilities, but also leisure activities as their wishes. Finally, education for children’s health habit will be significant. People who are never exposed to working out, they tend to keep their body inactively. For this reason, children should be learn more physical education and make habits of exercise.
To sum up, increasing the number of sports center will be helpful for the betterment of public health, nevertheless it is not the best way. Governments should encourage people to get used to sports and give them time to work out.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적인 coherence가 lack합니다. 문법상 단어 형태에 주의를 해주시기를 바랍니다. 일부 단어 형태를 잘못 쓰시고 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
|