▶ Your Answer :
Many
people have been traditionally thought that men and women have different strengths
and weaknesses. As a result, it has been an issue that men or women should be
excluded from certain jobs for work efficiency. <(질문을 답해주는 thesis statement가 필요합니다. 즉, 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다)
Some people
probably agree with the idea because they think people can extend their own
strengths when their job is suitable for their gender. However, I still believe
that our society cannot restrict one person's career by gender. <(이 내용은 introduction에 와야합니다)
Recently, it is
not difficult to witness that men and women make outstanding results at some
industries that have been considered for a certain gender. For example, in
South Korea, soldiers of a women's university took a first place against male
soldiers for the university army competition in 2015. On the other hand, male
nurses are needed in many hospitals as much as female nurses. <(Need to elaborate more)
Moreover, our
society needs to support people to realize their dream regardless of abilities
that they were born with. It could be true that most of men are physically stronger
than most of women, but it does not mean that our society can give physical
roles only to males. It rather would be much better that our society help
people to overcome their its own natural weaknesses to make their dreams come true,;
because it would make our society much more colorful and balanced. <(elaborate more)
In conclusion, our
society is required to encourage people to keep their career dreams regardless
of their natural gender, rather than excludes some people due to their gender.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 elaboration이 조금 더 필요하고 introduction에 improvement가 필요합니다. 조금 더 왜 직업의 성향따라 남/여를 exclude하는게 right 하지 않는지에 대해 더 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 더 다양한 표현과 문장구조를 쓰시면 글쓰시는데에 도움이 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |