▶ Your Answer :
there is no doubt that children should know have
known about the what differences between right and wrong when they were children.<Need better coherence> some people may insist that punishment can be one of the significant method for
their offspring. (Need better cohesion)> therefore, i completely agree with this contention as children
need a punishment for growing bringing up. I would suggest that parents and teachers
have to provide a proper alternative solution <(alternative solution for what?) for children such as face to face
communication rather than physical punishment with sticks
It is true that punishment is crucial for
children before they are mature and make take a decent decision by themselves.
because of the lack of intellectual of in children, they do not know what is right or
wrong before they are aware of it, thus, they have to get some advices to
distinguish between right and wrong by teachers or parents. <Need coherence> according to a
survey conducted in Korea last year, the rate of juvenile crime was surged, and that
was influenced from being exposed to by discriminate races <(?) and violence through
the TV.<(이 study가 right and wrong을 가르키는 것과 어떤 관련이 있는지 잘 모르겠습니다.) <Need better coherence> therefore, many parents want to give punishment to their child for
guiding them onto the right ways.
on the other hand, there are many lots of kinds
of punishment,. Meanwhile, parents or teachers have to recognize about their
children's circumstances at first and perform with proper punishment such as face to
face communication. reversely, if children got a physical or mental punishment,
they will be hurt, then it will lead to lose their own decisions <(?) and isolated
themselves, In turn, children can commit suicide by the punishment. by comforting
children with communication, they can distinguish by themselves without any
punishment in accordance with the intention of parents. <(결국엔 punishment가 필요없다는 건가요? 글쓴이의 주장이 contradicting하게 들립니다) However, parents have
to teach slowly about which part was wrong from their behavior, act of children and parents should never teach children as fast as they can because children takes numerous time
to understand what they have done before. <(내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
To conclude, it is clear that punishment is
essential for children, but it has to be performed with a proper way as
communication. i would suggest that teachers or parents who have know the
background of their child,<(? incomplete) thus, they try to reach towards their child as friends, and then lead them to understand what as it was wrong.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 fair하게 들리나 헷갈리게 들리는 곳이 많습니다. Coherence가 잘 안되어있거나 문법에 틀리시고 계셔서 그런 것 같습니다. 문법상 capitalization/문장구조/단어형태/동사/알맞는 표현/collocation/전치사 활용/punctuation/에 틀리시고 계십니다. 특히 capitalization과 punctuation에 신겨을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 둘다 기초 문법인데 문장들을 거의 소문자로 시작해주시고 콤마가 필요한곳에 사용해주지 않고 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 읽는데에 어려움이 조금 있습니다. Coherence에 경우 내용 연결이 잘 안되는 곳들이 있습니다. 그렇기 때문에 흐름도 어색하고 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 잘 반영이 안되고 있습니다. 내용 연결성에 조금 더 신경 써주시기를 바랍니다. 내용상 세 번째 문단에서 글쓴이의 주장과 contradicting하게 들리는 내용이 있습니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에느 전체적으로 글 정리를 해주시고 문법/coherence/표현에 신경을 써주시면서 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |