To correct children, punishment is required and effective, and learning this as young as possible is important (배움의 대상은 초록색이 아니라, 옮과 그름을 구분하는 것입니다.). I partly agree with some conditions and this essay will discuss the reason why punishment is needed, and what punishment can would audults use for children’s behaviour.
Recently, banning the physical punishment in public education organization became a huge issue. A number of parents suggest teachers to tell children directly what they acted wrong, not beat rather than beating them like an animal. This arguement started when the scene of beating children in kindergarten floated on the surface and spread to social media. This made society as an untouchable world, hence, many rules and laws caused by that have been maden to protect children from violence. Even tough this is only a small part of education system, however abusing the power of being adult is not acceptable in any alternative ways.
In Korea, Parents parents tend to be more careful to punish their children. Children are growing without physical touch touching, and it means they are do not afraid of adults in general. It is a huge drawback of the following trend. I think parents should teach with punishment when their children had a certain faults, and allow to teacher a minimum punishment to students in public space. (이 문장은 댓글 Adults have a responsibility to lead youngster the right way. As those laws, children in these days make more trouble in education environment and make worse constantly. (이 문단은 내용상 수정해주셔야 하는데, 여기에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
In conclusion, punishment in a reasonable situation is obviously required, however, to prevent more possible situation that young student could be a victom of power abusing is proper. Parents should teach them to respect adults enough, and it is not only parents’ share, also teacher. (여기도 본론2에 맞춰서 '종류' 를 언급해주시면 되고요. 총평을 확인해주세요~
278자, 38분
태스크1에서 시간을 많이 잡아먹어 이 때도 촉박하게 쓴 것 같습니다
아직 템플릿을 보기 전에 작성한 것이라 서론이든 결론이든 전에 작성한 것들과 같이 문제가 보일 것 같습니다
잘 부탁드립니다
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
사실 이번 글은 본론1까지는 충분히 문법+철자 문제를 감안하더라도 좋은 글이었습니다. 그러나 본론2에서 일정 부분 새게 되면서 조금 점수가 떨어졌다고 보시면 돼요.
본론2에서는 선생님들과 부모님들이 어떤 종류의 체벌을 사용할 수 있는지에 대해 밝혀주시면 됩니다. 대표적으로 thinking chair 가 있고요. 이 내용을 감안해서 글을 수정해주세요~수고하셨습니다 :)