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Many parents want to discover some special abilities from
their kids in their childhood. If parents come across that their children have
interests on something such as sports and music, they will think that their
kids are prodigies in terms of the above areas>> 운동이나 음악이므로 복수형으로 취해주세요. Henceforth, they will invest lots of
things>> 어떤 것들인지 구체적으로 제시해주세요 in their boys/girls >> 두 성별을 모두 표시해주세요, beginning to believe that they have gifts in those special fields. However, I think
that the talents are not an essential factor to be a good sports or music
professional.>> 서론이 긴 듯 싶습니다 서론에선 보통 if 절을 넣지 않습니다 본인의 글을 제시할 곳인데 가정을 쓰면서 하지 않고 간결하게 3문장 정도로 본인의 생각을 요약해주면 되기 때문입니다
It is true that the special abilities is one of the
important factors to became a great athlete. Some managers and coaches who
helped a famous sportsman and a celebrity said that they have innate abilities to
play it. Besides, some experts argue that the faculty in childhood has
significant influences on their future. The gifts in their early days can make
them to feel interests because they receive attention from others, which lead
them to exercise more.
However, even if people have real talents, there will be no
conviction that they can be excellent sports professionals or musicians. After
Olympic games or annual awards ceremonies in music, some celebrities were
interviewed, saying that not only their efforts, but also appreciations to some
people who helped them. We can feel that they spent numerous time and strived
for their success through that>> 어떤 것인지 말해주세요. Besides they have received helps from people
like >> such as 가 더 좋은 표현입니다 아카데믹한 글에선 teachers and coaches who guide their pathway. If children have the
combination of these factors, they can be a great professional in their fields.
In conclusion, although a great number of babies are born
every day, some of them have faculties in a special field >> 앞에 같은 것을 썼으니 area를 써주세요 or some of them >>중복되므로 지워주세요 do not
have it >> them. However, I believe, being a unique person in sports or music, the
important thing is not talents, but endeavor and education in early age.
매번 감사드립니다, 제이님^^
수일치 정도의 문법 오류를 제외하곤 다른 것은 크게 많이 있지 않네요 중간에 살짝 글 스타일들의 오류가 보이는 듯 싶었지만 그래도 의미 전달은 명확했고 해서 다음에 쓰셔서 비슷한 상황이 나온다면 그때 다시 말씀드리겠습니다 하지만 테스크의 요구 사항에선 비껴나간 점이 있습니다 타고난 애들이 있는 반면 아이들을 가르치는 것으로 그 정도로 도달이 가능한지에 대해 물어보고 있으며 두 시점을 모두 제시하고 본인의 의견을 전달하는 것인데 글은 타고난 애들에 포커스되어 있는 것으로 보이네요 다시 한 번 훑어봐주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0예상합니다 |