▶ Your Answer :
Success means different things to different people>>?? 상반되는 의견 하나가 먼저 앞으로 나오는게 좋겠네요. In my opinion, I am strongly supportive on the idea that determination and commitment are the most important factors for success in life than any other factors >> any other 단수명사입니다.
Some people maintain that the sense of To begin with, success comes from retaining good relationship with family or friends. Admittedly, we, >> 3인칭 관점에서 서술해주세요 human beings,>> 빼주세요 fell strong tempts>> ?? to be a nice and generous person as a social creature. Furthermore, it is sometimes believed that people cannot >> 한 단어입니다 be happy even with their material wealth, if they do not have intimate relationship with others. For example, many fathers in Korea regret that they had missed the chance to establish the close relationships with their children due to hard work. Therefore, it is reasonable to say that the meaning of life exists in relationship.
While I admit the importance of relationship, I believe that hard work and determination are the main factors for successful life. This is because you will end up taking it for granted, not appreciating the relationship when you try to be a good person to your family and friends and do nothing betraying their opinions. Secondly, another reason is that the sense of achievement in work or study and the merit or overcoming your given environment and expanding yourself is the most greatest enjoyment that you can attain in your life. As Herman Hesse described, one needs to break the egg to enter the real world. >> 세개의 큰 실수가 있었습니다 1. 본문 2 자리에 주장이 아닌 갑자기 본인 의견이 나왔다 2. 3인칭 시점이 아니고 가장 피해야 할 you 라는 말이 사용됐다 3. 인용구나 속담 등은 사용하지 않는다
에세이의 틀에서 벗어난 세 가지 큰 실수가 모두 있습니다
In conclusion, it can be said that commitment and determination outweigh the relationship or any other factors when it comes to successful life.
서론에선 결단과 헌신이 가장 중요하다 본문1에선 관계가 중요하다 본문2에선 다시 결단 헌신이 중요하다
결론에선 결단 헌신이 중요하다
주장이 대체 뭔지 갈피가 안 서네요
한글로 정리해보고 써보시길 바랍니다
또한 Task1 부터 먼저 어느정도 쓴 후 Task2를 연습해주세요
Task Achievement - 5 Coherence and Cohesion - 3 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
4.5 예상합니다
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