Both parents and schools have an important role to nurture children as a good members of society. >> 문단 왜 나누셨나요?
Some people insist that either ones should thoroughly take responsibility of disciplining educating children. However, in my opinion, both of them have their own advantage and both they are necessary to raise children as good citizens >> opinion이란 말은 필요없이 두 의견이 있다고 하고 본론에 두 의견에 대한 말을 하고 밑에 본인의 의견을 쓰는게 나을 듯 싶네요.
To begin with, parents teach their children that every individuals in society deserves to be loved by showing their love to their children. Children with young age>>?? spend most of their time with their parents. At this certain period of time, children can become hostile or friendly>> 완전 반대되는 단어입니다 어떤 의미로 쓰신건가요? to their society weather whether parents dedicate to their children. The A research >> what research ? the 가 들어가면 안 됩니다 shows that groups of people who had experienced their parents’ love at their childhood become more helpful and positive members of society than others who did not have sufficient love from their parents. They shows a tendency to evaluate themselves as important and valuable people to the society>> 사회에서의 객관적인 시선에서 good member라는 인식을 받아야 하는데 이 말은 본인들 스스로 좋은 구성원이라고 생각한다는 말이네요.
School is an ideal place to learn how to get along with other members of society. Children naturally learn naturally socializing skills by spending their time with their classmates. For example, when children hang out in the playground, they learn how to take turns by sharing equipments installed in the place. In addition, children learn communicating skills and importance of taking responsibility by doing group projects. School provides a chance to acquire an ability that is necessary for to fit living together.
In conclusion, schools and parents have their own advantages of teaching children. Both of them are necessary to discipline kids to become ideal members of society. Those are critical to encourage children to recognize themselves as important people,>> 콤마 빼주세요 as well as to have good socializing skills.
각 문단 첫 시작은 들여쓰기를 해야 합니다 문법의 일종으로 감점 예상됩니다
본론에 본인의 의견을 집어넣으셨네요 좋은 선택이시구요 본론 구성도 좋았네요 하지만 본론 1의 내용은 무슨 말인지 잘 모르겠는 부분이 후반부에 나왔습니다 혹시 hostile 을 hospitality 와 헷갈려서 쓰신건가요? 단어들도 더 적절한 단어들이 있으니 다른 더 자세한 뜻들을 사전 등을 이용해 찾아보시길 바랍니다 다른 지적해드린 부분들 살펴봐주시길 바랍니다
Task Achievement - 7
Coherence and Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다