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In modern society, improving public health has become a compulsory part as many people are interested in a healthy life. Some people >> some만 쓰진 말아주세요 모범답안들에 가끔 some 만 써있는 것들이 있는데 people 등 다 써주는게 좋습니다 argue that it is essential to build many sports facilities, >> while 이 반면에라는 뜻이 있다면 앞에 콤마 넣어주세요 while others assert that it is less helpful than other ways to improve public health. >> 서론 깔끔하게 잘 쓰셨습니다 최근에 본 서론 중 가장 잘 쓴 것이 아닐까 생각이 드네요
To begin with, some people insist that it is most important to provide a number of sports facilities as it helps people maintain a healthy life. This is because people can prevent many of of는 한정적인 용법이라 빼주시는게 좋겠습니다 diseases by exercising regularly. According to a substantial number of studies, a regular exercise can lessen probability of have a disease probability. As clearly seen from the result, the more facilities are provided, the more people can maintain a healthy life. the 비교급 형태는 안 쓰시는게 좋습니다 엄연히 문법 파괴적인 말입니다 구어체에선 쓰지만 아카데믹한 문법 구조는 아닙니다 Therefore, it can be crucial to give people more opportunities to access the sports facilities for public health.
However, I believe that it is imperative to enlighten people about a healthy life through a public campaign which emphasizes the importance of healthy food and activities. Without a strong motivation, people tend to stay at home after school or work because of a lack of time to enjoy and exhaustion. For example, few years ago, well-being was the hottest issue for most people in South Korea. People started to buy organic and low-fat food when they went on a grocery shopping.Furthermore, various indoor and outdoor activities were easily observed almost everywhere and to work out both indoors and outdoors>> furthermore는 다른 주장을 제시하는 부사입니다 문장 중간에선 지양해주세요. Therefore, I feel that it is the best away to awaken people to the importance of health. >> 서론에는 위에 본문1처럼 몇몇 사람은 이렇게 말한다 라고 해서 다른 쪽의 의견도 제시해서 테스크 요구 조건을 맞춰주시고 그 다음 의견부터 이런 다른 방법이 있다 하면서 본인의 의견, 즉 위 내용들을 제시해주는게 더욱 좋겠습니다
In summary, some citizens assert that the most efficient way to improve public health is by providing more and more sports facilities. However, I believe that the campaign to enlighten people about health is a more effective measure for public health.
각 문단의 첫 줄은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 이미 저기서만 문법만 4개 틀린 꼴이 됩니다 전체적으로 괜찮았던 글입니다 잘 쓰셨습니다
Task Achievement - 6
Coherence and Cohesion - 7
Lexical Resource - 7
Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 7
7.0 예상합니다