▶ Your Answer :
There is no doubt that women power is the a strong value in our society and the once male-centered world that male-centered has changed since
the industry developed. However, the top positions for men is has still various
and extensive. In my opinion, what can be expected is change of in women’s
authority, but not evaluating their work by gender.<(confusing sentence. 의미 전달이 잘 안된 문장입니다.)
First of all, some directors who decide to promote employees promotion(그냥 promotion이라고 하기엔 너무 많은 의미가 있습니다) still think that the gender should be considered because men has more
responsibility for in their family than women. Aside from this, some major
companies, have a promotion exam for applications applicants. Applications Applicants have to be men
even if they women have achieved higher educational level and have profound knowledge about
their work to pass the exam. Personally, I feel that this idea has a bad
influence for whole our society against women’s right.
Secondly, some people has have prejudges that women
cannot fulfill their jobs successfully, especially after getting back from
maternity leave.
Besides, most of female workers who had babies
could not get back their positions easily. Some of male colleagues in Korea
insist that it is an asset that women can take long maternity leave so women
should not get a high position level at work. To avoid wrong ideas and prejudges, some
organizations or government should make some educational program for the people.<(이 문장이랑 이 문단이랑 어떤 connection이 있는지 모르겠습니다)
To summarize, in my personal view, women are have important
roles in the society and at work. Furthermore, no matter how women need to be
respected and there will be no discrimination for all the people without
judging by gender.<(이 문장은 말이 안되는 문장입니다)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 문장을 어순을 조심해주세요. 흐림이 많이 어색합니다. 또한 동사나 전치사, subject verb agreement가 틀리십니다. 글이 formal 보다 informal 하게 들리기도 합니다. 조금더 formal 한 표현들이 공부하시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 에세이 organization이 잘 안되어있습니다. 글쓴이의 생각 또한 잘 반영이 안되고있는것 같습니다. 아무래도 연결성이 떨어져서 그런 것 같습니다. 조금더 질문을 생각하면서 에세이를 정리 해보세요. 도움이 되실겁니다.
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