▶ Your Answer : It is true that climate around the globe has been changing increasingly, and people believe we should just get used to it. I don’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 사용하시지 않는게 좋습니다) agree with this idea that we could come up with some ways to live with it. <(질문은 can or can we not come up with some ways to live with climate change가 아니라 climate change를 막는 것에 신경을 쓰지 말고 변화에 오히려 적응 할수 있도록 방법을 찻아야하는지 에 대해 묻고 있습니다)
There are two reasons why the condition of climate has been altering. Firstly, global warming is being more and more catalysed, and there is a factor which have a bad influence on it. In one sense, many countries have been industrialized, for example while technology is developed, not few factories have been built and operated, thereby emitting exhaust gas in the sky. Secondly, people frequently litter streets or field with any sort of rubbish. The things thrown away and will be buried under the ground. And then those change the condition of soils, which definitely can affect the growth of Earth’s temperature. <(little irrelevant/왜 climate change가 일어 나는지 보다는 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장을 reasoning/ support 해주셔야합니다)
The ways we can prevent climate change exists. Using environment-friendly resources could be one of them. Instead of using fuels for automobile, for instance, the number of electrical cars is increasing and the influence by them on the climate will be much less than chemical materials. In addition, parks or gardens should be established more than now. Planting trees have a great effect, in which plants take CO2 and spread O2 out to the nature. By reducing the level of CO2, which is one of causes of the change, global warming accelerated can slow down.
In conclusion, living with rising going up temperature can bring about quite many problems with the environment, and we must take adequate precautions in order to cut down on the speed of global warming.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 글쓰시는데에는 크게 문제가 없어 보이십니다. 다만 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 주장이 clear하지 않습니다. 또한 why climate change occurs 또는 ways to prevent climate change 보다는 글쓴이의 주장에 따라 why should be prevent climate change instead of finding ways to live with it 또는 why we should find ways to live with climate change instead of preventing에 대해 서술을 해주셨어야합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |