▶ Your Answer :
The
censorship was not popular especially in Western countries, because they value
more for the creativity. This trend has changed since the 19th century where the
censorship in films increased drastically. This can be due to the increasing
inappropriate contents such as violence, cruelty, religion, vulgarity, sexual
and obscenity. However, in my perspective the censorship does not improve the
quality of the movie, because it the censors can distract viewers from the story
of the movie. Therefore, the censorship should be removed. The
reason for the audiences to watch films is the entertainment. However, if the
scenes have been cut or re-edited, the audiences will have a difficulty in
understanding the story, because people may focus on the small details rather
than the big picture. A film titled "The Fifty Shades of Grey" got
cancelled for the censorship, because the public claimed that the specific
censored scenes were playing the major roles to understand the whole flows of
the story. <(Fifty Shades of Grey는 상영이 되긴 했습니다) Therefore, the flow of the story plays is playing the major role for the
audiences to feel entertained. <(conclusion을 flow of the story가 중요한 역할을 한다 라고 해주시면 censorship에 대해서 concluding을 해주시는 것 처럼 들리지 않습니다) (Need better transition) A
film is the final results of the artists' expression and the freedom of speech.
By watching the film, the audiences can feel the interaction with the artists.
The censorship can prevent the artists' expression and the speech the artist was trying to convey in the film which may the
artists to express their full emotions within the films. In other words, the
artists' expression and ideas might be commercialised or standardised. The
standardised stories will not attract audiences since the audiences will be attracted by the entertaining and creative stories. It can directly link with
the blockbuster film sales. Therefore, the censorship can restrict the profits
of the film industries.<(문단의 unity가 떨어지며 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 처음에는 censorship으로 인해 배우가 전달하고자 하는 내용이나 감정을 전달하지 못한다 라고 해주셨는데 주제는 profits of film industries로 concluding이 됬습니다.)
In
conclusion, the censorship will affect significantly affect for the audiences and the
artists. The audiences will be distracted by the flow of the stories by
watching the censored films. If the audiences have a difficulty in the flow of
the stories, that could directly link with the sales of the related industry. <Need better coherence> Therefore, the audiences will face the difficulty to follow the stories that
are being censored, and the related movie industries may suffer from the loss
of sales.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용은 좋으나 organization/construction이 잘 안되어있습니다. 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 문단별 unity에 신경을 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 문단이 시작하는 내용과 끝나는 내용이 매칭이 안됩니다. 즉, topic sentence와 concluding sentence가 전혀 다른 이야기를 해주는 것 같습니다. 또한 그렇기 때문에 흐름도 어색하게 들립낟. 문법상 silly mistakes/단어형태/어순에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다 수고 하셨습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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