▶ Your Answer :
The bar graph illustrates how the total number of minutes of telephone calls changed in the UK by category between 1995 to 2002.
According to the chart, it is clear that local calls accounted for the highest proportion among English. The local call was approximately 72 billion minutes in 1995. This figure slightly increased to 79 billion minutes in 1996. After reaching a peak of 90 billion minutes in 1999, it decreased to 72 minutes in 2002, which was the same as in 1995.
On the other hand, national and international in fixed line steadily increased from 37 billion minutes in 1995 to 60 billion minutes in 2002. Moreover, the mobiles slightly increased from 3 billion minutes in 1995 to 13 billion minutes in 1999. However, this proportion sharply increased to 40 billion minutes in 2002. It was almost twentyfold of the initial figure chart.
Also, it is interesting to note that the national and international calls and mobile calls were directly related over the period.<(what do you mean? 굳이 필요한 내용 처럼 보이지는 않습니다.)
Overall, the UK used the most telephone calls in local fixed line calls between 1995 to 2002.<(overall 내용 introduction 뒤에 서술을 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 하지만 그렇게 되면 두번째 문단의 topic sentence와 repetitive하게 되기 때문에 두 번째 문단의 topic sentence를 수정을 하시는 것을 추천합니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 정리르 해주셨습니다. 다만 Overall 내용은 introduction 뒤에 써주시는게 더 좋습니다. 또한 그래프의 minutes는 billions로 계산이 되기 때문에 꼭 billions도 units에 같이 써주셔야합니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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