▶ Your Answer :
In the past, travelling the trip was limited due to
the insufficient transportation mode. As society and technology developed, people could can travel around the world easily. Nowadays, people can enjoy traveling around the
world and relax from travelling. <Need better coherence> By discouraging people to travel, the public's
backlash is inevitable and alternative ways of travel would increase. Therefore, the environment damage would be even more severe than that of use of
an aircraft. <(에세이의 주제가 조금 unclear하게 들립니다. 마지막 두 문장 전에는 그저 travelling and transportation에 대해 서술을 해주실 것 처럼 들립니다. 오히려 질문의 주제를 paraphrase해주시고 그에 대한 글쓴이의 주장을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 지금은 글쓴이의 주장과 그 전 내용이 연결이 안되기 때문에 글쓴이의 주장도 조금 unclear하게 들립니다)
It is undeniable that the use of aircrafts
consumes more fossil gases than that of cars, and as a result, it can harm the
environment more than that of cars. However, the disuse of flights would face
the public's backlash because they cannot have more relaxation. In other words,
people just got used to the way to travel by planes in this recent century, and
the restriction of such use would lead the public to backlash. People have been enlightened the enjoyment from traveling around the world and from this, people
can learn various knowledge to understand other people's perspective by knowing
such as culture, history and tradition. Therefore, by limiting the travel by
airplane could get the backlash for limiting those experiences.
In addition to this, travelling by
airplanes have been popular in this recent century for shorter time and fewer
efforts. In the case of Travelling from Perth to Melbourne would take about three 3
hours by flight compared to a few weeks by cars. Due to this shorter travelling
time, aircrafts travel has gained its popularity. <Need better coherence> The limitation of travelling
by airplane would not stop people from travelling. People would use other methods of
transportation such as cars, so that it increases the car usages. Since all the
aircraft passengers have to use personal vehicles to travel, it can cause the
severe environmental damages. Therefore, the use of airplane would be better than all
those passengers using cars on the roads to travel. <(문단의 unity가 떨어집니다)
In conclusion, despite the airplanes can
cause environmental damages, and it seems more severe than that of cars. However
the discouraging the flights would not stop people to travel and would which cause a even more serious phenomenon to the environment and society. Also, the public's
backlash will be inevitable.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 summarization이 가능하고 필요합니다. Coherence에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 세 번째 문단의 경우 unity가 떨어집니다. 첫 세 문장과 그 다음 문장들은 전혀 다른 주제입니다. Organization에 신경 써주시기를 바랍니다. 영어는 숫자 1~10은 글로 써주셔야합니다. 문법상 알맞는 표현/article 사용/ conjunction/단어 형태/collocation/시제/에 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 반복적인 표현이 일부 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |