The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the advantages?
Nowadays the use of social media has increased significantly. Thanks to the advance of technology, it is widely used in various circumstances, such as online meetings. Some say human’s people's interaction is being replaced replacing by the Social social network systems. Even though social Social media has convenient features, I believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
It is a common belief that social media made our life much more convenient than before. The advance on the Internet, online shopping and online lectures are common in many places. Like this, thanks to social media, one can start a communication whenever and wherever they want. A majority of people and companies are trying to convert physical interaction into the online platforms, which. Which allows the elders and physically-challenged people to access to various places. With social media, one can visit the other side of the world whenever they want without buying a ticket.
Nevertheless, it is an undeniable fact that face-to-face interaction can not be replaced by social media. Most of the social media is based on the Internet these days and the quality of communication can be reduced in an/the online chatting environment. It is apparent that the Internet is full of information, which might be helpful but some can be harmful since it has a lot of wrong information and misunderstandings. The following problem is that the Internet allows anonymity which can make people generate vicious rumours behind the monitor.
To sum up, while there is an advantage of social media is in that it offers an extremely convenient life. (파란색은 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.) However, it is evident that the social network system has detrimental effects on human’s life, such as the possibility of misunderstanding and generating vicious rumours. Thus I firmly believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
WC: 284
시간:45분ㄴ ㅠㅠㅠㅠ (시간 줄여주셔야 합니다! 저는 점수 매길 때 시간에 따른 감점은 따로 내지 않는데, 실전은 다르니까 주의해주세요~)
외부도움: social media는 the가 안붙는지 다쓰고 알아서, 그것을 수정했숨돠!
총평: (7/6/7/6) 6.5
6점대만 필요하시면 상관이 없겠지만, 7.0 필요한 상황에서 지금처럼 대소문자 오류가 나거나, 파란색과 같이 비문이 생길 경우 곤란합니다.
결론의 맨 마지막 문장을 한국어로 바꿔보면, '요약하자면, ~~~라는 장점이 있는 반면.' 하고 문장이 끝나죠. 이렇게 보시면 비문인지 바로 파악이 되실 겁니다. 항상 완전한 문장이 만들어질 수 있도록 신경써주세요! 7.0 이상은 모든 부분에서 깔끔해야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)