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In the workplace >> 한 단어입니다, the employees' satisfaction to company is really important because it is directly relates directly to a working efficiency. So >> so also and or but은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다, some companies have been made various policies for their employees workers. However, sometimes it sometimes seemingly tends seemingly not to work very well because they are inclined to look down some basic factors >> look down 대신 underestimate 가 낫겠네요 . So I am going to discuss for argue encouraging employees` satisfaction.>> 서론에 맞지 않는 글 전개 형식입니다 그냥 간단하게 요즘 시대엔 특히나 직업 만족도가 중요시 여겨지고 있다. 회사들은 그것을 충족시키기 위해선 보상을 함으로써 일의 능률을 높여야 한다. 이렇게 진술을 해서 본인의 메인 포인트는 보상이란 점을 두고 아래에 나오는 incentive 라던가 그런건 언급하면 좋은 글이 될 수 있겠습니다
First of all, companies should offer an incentive to employees. >> with 같은 좀 더 세부적인 내용은 뒤에 설명으로 뺄 수 있습니다 Within precise criteria, the employers can give their people monetary rewards such as bonus. For instance, if one company`s revenue increased by 10 percent, the company president should can give rationally the incentives to their staffs rationally.>> 가정법 과거는 현재 사실에 반대입니다 현재 사실에 반대되는 얘기가 아니므로 현재형을 써드렸습니다 In this case, the company has to recognize some staffs workers who worked are enthusiastic in their tasks more than others deserve to receive the bonus, >> 콤마 빼주세요 and they need have to give more incentives to them. If companies set this discriminative incentive policy, their staffs will be satisfied with this and they will strive to work very hard. >> 내용을 다 바꿔드릴 순 없어서 군데군데 바꿔드리느라 글이 좀 난잡해졌지만 필요없는 부분은 확실히 떼네주시길 바랍니다 현재 필요한건 인센티브를 줘야한단 주장, 어떤 인센티브를 어떤 기준 내에서 줘야한다는 설명, 어떤 경우에 준다는 예시가 필요합니다
Secondly, the company corporations should guarantee a long vacation for employees. Most employees are inclined to get become bored when they keep working very hard. So In order to refresh their mind and to stir their working efficiency, vacation will be a good option for dealing with it. However, >> 문두 부사 뒤 콤마입니다 the vacation should offer to staffs equally contrast to incentive policy. >> Because는 접속사라 단독으로 한 문장만 가져갈 수 없습니다 뒤에 so 도 접속사라 둘 다 한 문장으로 구성될 수 없구요 because는 문장 앞에 바로 나오기보단 It/This/That is because의 형태로 나타납니다 It is because taking a rest is one of the human rights, so it shouldn`t should not be discriminated. >> However 나올 때부터 For instance 해서 예시가 나온다면 좋은 본론이 될 수 있었는데 많이 아쉽네요
To conclude, employee’s satisfaction is a crucial factor in the workplace nowadays. Of course, there would be a nicer option that what I suggested. However, these two options >> Those two options 처럼 뭉뚱그려서가 아닌 offering incentives and holidays 처럼 항목은 말해줘야 합니다 above are basic solutions for the employees to be satisfied with their job. Companies should not look down these fundamental things.
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고용주는 employers 피고용인은 employees 회산 companies 정도로만 계속 반복되네요
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굳이 필요치 않은 말들도 많았구요 축약형도 쓰지 말아주세요
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
5.5 예상합니다 |