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Nowadays, most teenagers students are inclined to get have >> get 동사는 웬만하면 피해주세요 a job as an extracurricular activity. There are several benefits and drawbacks for this situation and some people have been arguing argue about whether teenage students should get take a job or not while they are studying or not.
First of all, the main duty of students is to study. They need to spend meaningfully their invaluable time meaningfully. For example, if they get a job in the time on which they are attending school, it may distract their academic daily performances. The time for studying is not permanent for them. They should concentrate on their main job and should not get distracted by anything. To fulfill their ambition or dream in the future, students need to concentrate on their main role. When they fail to achieve their ambition, they might recall that period that they could study and they might regret >> 밑줄 친 부분이 오히려 더 주장 설명의 구조가 잘 갖춰졌네요 물론 주장+설명의 구조가 first of all 다음이랑 they should 으로 시작하는 두 개의 구조가 있어서 둘 중 하난 지워야 하지만요.>> 주장은 학생들의 주 의무는 공부하는 것이다인데 설명에는 시간은 의미있게 써야한다 예시에는 다시 주장과 관련돼서 학업 성취에 영향을 미친다
In contrast, there are many positive facts against the disadvantages. For teenage students, getting a job might be a one of the means to get be adapted to social activities. While they work in a somewhere in a as students period, they can practice for social activities,>> 콤마 빼주세요 when they face to various situations. This experience will be helpful when they get an official full-time job in the future. For example, they can solve their problems or hardship in the workplace or they might be easily promoted easily by this previous experience.>> 설명보다 예시가 길거나 비슷한게 좋습니다 설명이 한 줄로 끝나버렸네요 내용상 when they 부터가 for example 이 돼야 하는 것 같습니다
To conclude, I am under the impression that the both opinions have rational grounds and there are obvious pros and cons. So, so also and or but 문두에 안 씁니다 teenage students have to deal with these both opinions 뭔지 말해줘야 합니다.
각 문단 첫 줄은 한 칸 들여쓰고 시작해주세요 문단이 바뀔 땐 전 문단에 있던 것들을 this 혹은 these나 대명사로 받지 않습니다 새로 간단하게나마 언급해줘야 하구요 특히 서론 결론에선 페러프레이즈 해서 잘 언급해줘야합니다 현재 문법 실수가 많습니다 문법 공부하시고 Task1 으로 써주세요 본론의 구조도 논리 전개가 제대로 이뤄지지 않았습니다 단어도 너무 제한적으로 쓰였습니다
Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5 5.0 예상합니다 |