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In the past, people needed skills such as sewing clothes and maintaining their own house for survival. However, these days, people live in a very busy life, compared to the past. Hence, many people have been helped by professional workers and technicians to carry out these tasks as people do not have time to work their house chores work them out.>> 마지막 줄에 대한 내용은 언급 된 적이 없습니다 서론에서 메인 센텐스를 바쁘게 살아간다라고 잡으면 뒤에 할 말이 없습니다 주장으로 좋지 않구요 일손이 모자르다 (바쁜 생활, 가족 규모의 축소) 혹은 나아진 생활 (자동 청소기, 대규모 회사의 A/S 발달) 등을 할 수 있을텐데요
Nowadays, there is no doubt that the majority of people seek for convenience and comfy in their life. However, by spending a lot of time in their work places, people cannot even do even simple chores at home. Hence, many people tend to rely more on services provided by specialists than themselves. These trends show that people do not need to have these skills for living anymore. Moreover, it is easy to find these services in neighborhood. Along with increasing of competition among them, people can more easy to access these services at a reasonable price. This is because people prefer using these services to having the skills.>> 이렇게 한 문단으로 구성할 땐 두 개의 의견이 아닌 하나의 큰 틀을 잡아주는 의견이 필요합니다 Moreover부터 삭제하고 그 자리에 For example, 을 넣으시면 됩니다
This is fact that,>> 콤마 빼주세요 developed countries decreasing this phenomenon which I mentioned above Likewise, many skillful people are decreasing in their number over the world. Especially, >> 문두 부사 뒤 콤마입니다 South Korea might be more stood out from our society as the wage for labourers fee is not very high compared to than other developed countries as the wage for labourers is not very high. Thus, people use professional services at a sound >> sound body 처럼 튼튼한 몸 식으로 쓰입니다 price in South Korea.>>노동비가 높지 않기에 사람들이 전문 서비스를 이용한다? On the other hand, there are still quite many people performing these regular housekeeping tasks on their own in the countryside >> 한 단어입니다 because they are hard to approach these services.
To sum up, there has been a major change in terms of the housekeeping job. These jobs are becoming less required in our daily life and modern people prefer it to be done by someone else.
서론에선 바빠진단 얘길 했는데 본론에선 편안함 삶을 찾는다는 내용이 나옵니다
연결이 되지 않구요
문단이 바뀌면 들여쓰기 하는 것도 문법입니다
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Task Achievement - 6 Coherence and Cohesion - 5 Lexical Resource - 5 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 5
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