▶ Your Answer : In these days, going shopping becomes a major amusement rather than necessary activity for life >> 그렇다면 예전엔 necessary activity 였단 건가요?. It is seen by many people as a good way to spend spare time, while others worry about negative effects of it able to what it can be brought bring about. In this essay, I will close >> 빼주세요 look at both aspects of this phenomenon argue the phenomenon of both aspects on an individuals and the perspective of society.
To begin with, It is clear that people adhere truly to shopping truly , and enjoy the process of the whole steps in buying commodities; collecting, comparing, >> 마지막 항목의 and 앞엔 콤마가 필요합니다 and testing. By doing so, they can release the stress from work or studying even if they do actually not actually purchase any of them. Also, >>also so and or but 은 문두에 쓰지 않습니다 Going to shiny department stores or well-organized markets with companies can be a quite useful tool means for socializing because they >> ?? become more closer to each other through sharing the whole process of shopping. From a society's point of view, robust consumption encourages the growth of markets. The more much spending can lead the accelerate money circulation more nimble money circulation in markets, which correspondingly supposes correspondingly higher benefit, to both society and each households. On the other hand, the reasons of suspicious voices towards today's shopping trend are manifold. First of all, it can cause various types of financial problems. For instance, some people might be suffered suffer from enormous debt resulted from the reckless expenditure, and some night struggle >>?? to recover their credit rating that was once degraded by long-term default. In this context, therefore, this is not only the matter of individuals. On a macroeconomic view point, indiscriminate spending have a negative effect on not only each households, but it affects on sustainable improvement of economy since market condition is under the influence of individual's financial status at vast extent. In other words, if economic status of each family units will collapse, the economy of society also will not be safe from the recessive trend. >> 글이 너무 늘어지게 됩니다 딱 할 말들만 정해서 해주요 사실 처음부터 좀 오류가 있었는데 the reasons 가 아닌 하나의 이유 정해서 그거에 대해 집중적으로 서술하는게 좋습니다
In conclusion, shopping is evidently a fine measure to get rid of fatigues from daily routine, and to boost the morale of economical activities but also . It has a great risk of financial recession in each family in terms of extravagance that can be closely connected to the condition of social markets condition as well.
353 단어입니다 70~80자 가량 줄여주세요 명사 연속으로 나열하지 말아주시구요 또한 본문 하나엔 하나의 주장을 딱 정해서 그거에 관해 집중적으로 서술하는게 훨씬 설득력이 높습니다 너무 나열되는건 좋지 않습니다 조그만 실수들이 많으니 잘 봐주시고 문단이 바뀌거나 중간에 헷갈리는 요소들이 있다면 대명사 사용에 유의해주세요
Task Achievement - 7 Coherence and Cohesion - 6 Lexical Resource - 6 Grammatical Range and Accuracy - 6
6.0 예상합니다 |