▶ Your Answer :
Many people use air planes for moving to another countries. There is a growing debate whether the government should restrict air planes or not, since airplanes cause serious pollution and consume large amounts of oil a lot. In my opinion, to restrict traveling by air airplane brings inconvenience to us. This essay will discuss both views with my view in details. <(discuss both views question이 아닙니다. 글쓴이의 주장을 물어보는 것이기 때문에 두 관점이 아니라 글쓴이의 관점을 써주셔야합니다.)
There are some arguments that air planes cause environment and oil shortage.<(environment shortage라는 것은 없다고 생각합니다. collocation을 다른 것을 하는 것을 추천합니다) To begin with, traveling by air vehicles would cause environment pollution. Many people believe that the use of air plane is the main cause of nature pollution. For example, airplanes emit a great amount of carbon dioxide co2 and smog, since they consume fossil fuels. As a result, global warming can happen. Besides, as far as we use air planes, this depletes fuels. When airplanes run, they need a lot of fuel more than cars. As a result, oil shortage can increase oil price. In the long term, it has a negative influence on world economy. <(summarize를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. repetitive 하게 들리는 부분들이 있습니다)
However, I strongly believe that the goverment should not regulate airplanes. Firstly, airplane is a convenient transportation system. Flights can transport passengers and goods. People go to other countries because of emigration or studying abroad. Also, when they<(who is they) trade with other countries, air vehicles can deliver goods quickly. As a result, the advent of airplane plays and important role in globalization. Secondly, an airplane is not the a main factor about for environment pollution and oil shortage. It is true that compared to with airplanes, cars or power plants use enormous fossil oil. <so what?)
It is clear that airplanes influence environment pollution. However, I think that cars or power plants use a greater amount of oil than air planes. Also, an airplane is convenient transports method. Therefore, the government should not restrict airplanes.
Score: 4 Comment: 내용은 좋은데 정리가 더 필요하고 coherence 강화를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 spelling, 틀린 단어, 어순, collocation, sentence verb agreement, singular/plural, 그리고 article 사용에 틀리시고 계십니다. 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 쓰시는 표현들이 조금 한정되 보입니다. 또한 에세이 형식이 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |