It is true that, in modern society, most people prefer hypermarkets to small shops to buy groceries. It is, however, necessary to grow small businesses in order to revive the local economy. (Need better cohesion)>While I believe that there are more positive reasons than negative matter.<(sentence fragment)
The first reason is that it is possible to buy different kinds of items at the same place. For example, if you want to purchase food and office products, you we have to go two types of shops but the hypermarket can be made to buy different items without moving to another store. This means you can save your time and be more productive. Moreover, most supermarkets have large parking lots, better public transportation and many conveniences for their customers. On the other hand, the small businesses have a lack of these facilities.
Secondly, the big markets sell products with a cheaper price and better quality items rather than corner shops. According to BBC News(2015), there is a different price range it has different price between small and large market. Customers can save their money by 20% off and most items have better quality, because they can store many storage a lot of items. <(store many items where? items of what store? be specific) This means they can buy products in bulk, so it also makes affordable costs to customers to buy good quality products. Moreover there are many bargain sales in the store. That is why many people can purchase most groceries at the hyper store. <(small store/large store/ hyperstore 다 store입니다. 그렇기 때문에 그저 store이라고 하시면 very unclear 합니다)
In conclusion, there is a disadvantage to prefer supermarkets to small stores. <(body에 서술되지 않은 내용입니다) This matter disrupts growth of local economy. I believe, however, it has more positive effects rather than negative effects. <(repetitive) (Need improvement)
Score: 4 Comment: 질문을 반만 대답해주셨습니다. 글쓴이는 왜 supermarket 이 positive한지 서술해주셨지만 왜 이러한 상황이 생겼는지에 대해서는 서술해주시 않았습니다. 또한 내용이 조금 informal 하게 들립니다. 예를 들어 formal essay 에는 you 같은 단어를 안 쓰시는게 좋습니다. 또한 specificity가 떨어지는 부분들도 있습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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