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These days, employer rate<(??) is decreasing, and the conception of difficulty of getting a proper job is prevailed.<내용 연결이 안됩니다> Therefore, the true function of a university is a controversial subject. Some people claim a university should give graduates with the knowledge and skills required in the workplace. Others think a university should provide access to knowledge for its own sake. I personally agree with the latter opinion.
A university is a place for achievement of students' academic goals, not occupations. It has have been there (what has been where? be specific) for a long time with that specific reason and that is why schools exist. <(unclear. be more specific and paraphrase) If someone complains about what school does not give them <(give them what?) for their career of jobs, <(career of jobs라는 표현은 없습니다) then they are just in the wrong place. They should find other facilities for this. Schools are is not operated for providing job information. <(be more specific/ specificity가 떨어져서 clarity도 함께 떨어집니다)
(Need better transition)
Then, we should respect students who truly want to study what they choose. Many students prefer to learn skills and knowledge relevant to with jobs, but it does not mean we do not have to care about others who do not agree with them. They have a right to study what they want as equal students. <(글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 모르겠습니다. 또한 내용이 글쓴이의 주장을 크게 supporting하고 있지 않습니다)
In conclusion, schools used to be schools as a place to learn knowledge, not for skills at work, and no one has a right to take others ones. <(what other ones?) If you want to study other things that a university do not be expected to provide <(??), find other places. <(find other places라고 하시면 명령을 하는 것 같기 때문에 조금 부정적으로 들립니다)
Score: 4.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 있지만 clear하지 않고 specificity가 많이 떨어지는 에세입니다. 또한 내용 연결이 잘 안되고 있습니다. Cohesion에도 조금 더 신경을 쓰시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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