▶ Your Answer :
Teaching children is always parents' the best interest. These days, parents are arguing about where the children should learn the way of becoming good society members, home or at school. <(can improve)
Some people think children should be taught about how to be good members of society by their parents at home. Depending on the family environments, we all have different ways of thinking.<(need to elaborate) They<(who are they?) think it<(what is it?) must be respected by learning from their parents.<(need to elaborate) <(전체적으로 coherence가 떨어지며 paragraph가 조금 incomplete해 보입니다. Elaborate를 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 관점을 sufficiently discuss하지를 않았습니다)
However, others believe school is the place to teach children, including becoming great society members. Even though, we have different ideas and opinions each other about being good society members, basic values are equally samely important such as morality, honesty and diligence. <(이 문단의 본론이 무엇인지 clear하지 않습니다. 이 문단 또한 elaboration을 더 하셔야합니다)
I personally agree with both opinions. I think children should learn from schools and their home as well. At school, they study what are the basic basis qualities of the good society members should have and differences from friends' families and their conception. At home, they talk and share ideas and accept family environments and opinions. <(이 내용들로 관점을 채워주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)Therefore, they can have their own thinking of being good society members.
In conclusion, I believe school and home both are both important places to teach children how to be good society members. <(이 문장을 conclusion에 써주실거면 바로 위에 있는 문단은 크게 필요가 없습니다. 오히려 repetitive한것을 쓰기게 됩니다) They can learn basics basis from schools and share their ideas at home.
Score: 4 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 글쓴이가 전달하고자 하는 내용이 잘 반영이 되고 있지 않습니다. Specificity와 clarity에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |