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It has been argued that high school authorities should make unpaid community service compulsory to their course. Some people contend that students should do unpaid community voluntary work.<(앞 문장과 같은 내용을 다르게 전달해주시고 있습니다) I strongly agree that those programmes are essential because of two reasons.
First of all, students can learn how to act to the poor and realise the need of welfare during their work. This is because most students commonly cannot realise their real society. If students could work with the poor, they can learn the way how the society has worked. These experiences are not taught by school teachers or math classes. <Need better coherence/cohesion> Working for a charity and improving the neighbourhood will make high school students more mature. According to a research from the USA, many students who continually work for unpaid community services are more likely to realise the disparity of their society and try to change it. Therefore, it is important to the adolescent generation to learn a the real society throughout unpaid community service.
Moreover, students can discover their potential abilities or interests, such as teaching or voluntary work. This is because a variety of unpaid community programmes provides students various experience. Students who engage in those programmes can find their interest and it will make them help them to choose their future job. Diverse experiences from unpaid community service assists students to realise what they want to be. <(이 세 문장을 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 비슷한 내용을 다르게 전달해주시고 있는 것 같습니다)For example, in South Korea, most students should work for their neighbourhood or hospital, and it leads makes them to lead make more accurate sufficient choices about job. It is obvious that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes for their various experience about job selection.
To conclude, I suggest that high schools should offer students unpaid community service programmes. This is not only for their realisation about their society, but also for their future opportunities for choosing a job.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 글쓴이의 주장에 대한 이유가 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 내용을 조금 더 summarize 해주실 수 있으면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부분은 같을 말이나 비슷한 내용을 다르게 반복적으로 전달을 해주시는 것 같습니다. 문법상 어순/collocation/article 사용에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 하나의 표현을 반복적으 쓰시면 lexical resource가 조금 한정적으로 보일 수도 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |