▶ Your Answer :
The given table illustrates the number of
visitors changed after the Ashdown museum was redecorated. Also, the pie chart
depicts the proportions of different impressions of visitors after renovation. it changed from
unchanged in a year
In brief, what stands out from the table is that
there is a significant upward trends such as increased visitors and the pie chart
saw a considerable downward trends of dissatisfaction bad emotion from visitors over a period.
In more detail, before the renovation,
visitors visited with 74,000 people visited, but after it was refurbished, the number of
visitors hugely surged with 92,000 during a year. In addition, before the
changed, dissatisfied people occupied person was possessed with 40 percent, compared to year
after where it decreased over a half down to 15 percent. , over halved down to 15 percent.
<Need better cohesion> As well as, satisfied people were person about museum
were remained stable with 30 percent during the year before renovation but increased to in year before to 40 percent during the year after renovation in year
after, while the visitors who were quite satisfied about the museum, hugely surged
up to 35 percent after it redecorated from 15 percent in before. Besides, the
other impressions could be have been grouped together as others with both 5 percent
after it renewed. <(what are the other impressions?)
Score: 5.5 Comment: 정보를 잘 전달해주셨는데 정리가 잘 안되어있습니다. 내용 grouping에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 punctuation에 특히 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Punctuation을 잘안해주시면 내용이 어색하게 들리거나 흐름이 어색하게 들릴 수 있습니다. 또한 문장을 대문자로 시작을 해주셔야합니다. 그 외에는 표현/문장구조에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 표현이 어색하게 들리거나 문맥상 더 나은 표현들이 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |